Bones Outtakes
by InuGhost2.0
Summary: Outtakes from the Show Bones. Pure humor with some smut thrown in every so often. Sense of Humor required.
1. The Princess and the Pear

The Princess and the Pear

By: InuGhost2.0

**Disclaimer: Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ears and listen. I don't own anything that appears in this, and the next dummy who asks if I do loses an ear.**

_A/N: Well it has been a long time coming but here they are. The long awaited outtakes for Bones. I hope you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them. Warning spoilers for 'The Princess and the Pear'._

**Scene of Fixing Booth's back the first time**

Bones is standing in Booth's apartment with a determined look on her face as she views her injured partner. She is trying hard to remain unmoved by Booth's plight but is slowly being broken down by his pleas.

"Bones last time you were all eager and ready to help."

"I shouldn't have done it then, and I shouldn't do it now. Either see a specialist or hire a masseuse."

Booth is now staring at Bones with his best puppy dog expression. "But masseuses are expensive, and I have to pay extra for the happy ending, whereas you do it for free."

Bones has turned bright red at what Booth has just said and is starting to scramble to come up with a decent excuse. "I…I have no idea what your talking about."

Booth has his trademark cocky grin on his face as he leans in close to the Forensic Anthropologist and waggles his eyebrows at her. "It was just last week remember. You were wearing that see through nighty I got you and…"

A look of realization dawns upon Bones' face as she aims her best paternal serious look at him. "You've already been hitting the Vicodin haven't you Booth?" Despite it being a question she is already certain of the answer.

Booth has a guilty look on his face as he pulls a bottle of Vicodin out of his pocket. "I've only been taking a little. Just to take the edge off. But still if you could fix my back and…"Whatever else the special agent had to say was lost as Bones, seeing no other alternative, grabs his face with both hands and pulls him into a searing kiss to shut him up.

**Scene from above take 2**

Bones has grown tired of Booth's pleading and throws her hands up in the air in a gesture of surrender. "Fine Booth I'll try and fix your back. Turn around."

A smile graces Booth's face as he turns around as quickly as he is able to, for the good doctor. "Thanks Bones I don't know what I would do without you."

Placing her hands on either side of the agents body Bones presses herself against Booth's back. "Just remember that you owe me one Booth."

Bones starts to slowly rotate Booth's upper body as her own moves along in sync. With a quick jerk she changes directions mid motion and two distinctive loud cracks echo throughout the apartment.

A look of relief is on Booth's face as he stretches his arms over his head whilst arching his back and groaning in satisfaction and comfort. "Bones you are a miracle worker. My back feels great."

Bones currently has a look of pain on her face and she is clutching her back in pain. "No problem Booth. If it's not too much trouble can I have some Aspirin?"

Booth has a look of concern on his face as he goes over to Bones. "Bones are you OK what happened?"

"I threw my back out. I need you to take me to a Doctor."

"Oh, Bones I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Bones has her teeth gritted in pain and gives Booth a furious look. "Booth....doctor now."

"CUT!" The Director yelled loudly. Standing up from his chair he walks over to the phone mounted on the wall and places a call. "Medical Team you're needed on set…yes Dr. Brennan's back is injured." He hangs up the phone and heads back to his seat.

**Scene of Hodgin's finding Excalibur**

Hodgins is digging in the ground for several seconds and then gives a cry of joy as he unearths the sword and lifts it up in the air. "I am the once and future king!"

Lightning flashes dramatically in the background.

Angela looks up in annoyance at the sky as she rubs her arms trying to stay warm. "Damn freak storms."

Hodgins has a childlike grin on his face as he turns to Angela. "Do you think this would count as pulling it out of a stone?"

Angela thinks on the question for about a second before rolling her eyes at Hodgins. "Hold your horses there Hodgins. Just because you have a sword named Excalibur does not make you king of the Britons."

Hodgins gives Angela a pointed look of disgust. "Oh come on Angela. Considering some of the people who have ruled the country along with what they and their descendants have done I would make a great king. It's not like I'm going to cause religious upheaval or start a war with Parliament."

Angela rolls her eyes as she turns and starts walking back to the car. "Whatever Arthur, but if you don't get your rear in gear your noble steed's going to leave you here to walk back to the Jeffersonian."

_Seshin is looking at the above in surprise before turning and looking at InuGhost2.0 "Guess that answers how your Modern History of Britain class is going._

_InuGhost2.0 shoots a nasty glare in Seshin's direction. "Don't even get me started."_

**Scene from above take 2**

Hodgins is digging in the ground for several seconds and then gives a cry of joy as he unearths the sword and lifts it up in the air. "By the power of Grayskull!" lightning streaks through the sky and strikes Excalibur transforming Hodgins into He-Man. "I have the power!"

Angela is watching the scene before her unfold with wide eyes and is drooling profusely. As if on instinct she rips off her outer garments leaving her in her underwear. "My hero! Take me now!" Angela launches herself into the air.

With great presence of mind Hodgins nimbly catches her in his arms bridal style. "Let's go then." Hodgins races off into the woods still carrying Angela.

In outrage the Director leaps up from his seat brandishing his megaphone as he yells into it. "CUT! People stick to the script. That's why it was written."

Bones is standing by the Director and looks at him in shock. "There was a script?"

**Scene of Hodgins' playing with Excalibur**

Hodgins is gleefully swinging Excalibur around while providing sound effects. His colleagues meanwhile are trying to cope with the noise in their own ways. Angela is banging her head onto the table top; Bones has applied numerous earplugs in hopes of drowning out the noise. Finally out of frustration Angela screams at Hodgins "Hodgins you've been playing with that sword for the last twenty minutes. Please can we just have some peace and quiet fort five minutes maybe?"

Hodgins is either ignoring Angela or cannot hear her as he continues to parry and thrust with Excalibur whilst providing sound effects.

"That is it!" Bones turns away from her computer with a maniacal expression on her face. Before anyone can react she pulls her gun free from her pocket, levels it at Hodgins, and lets fire with a loud BANG!

There is stunned silence in the room as everyone's eyes dart from Bones to Hodgins and back again. Finally after what feels like an eternity but is truthfully on a few seconds Hodgins drops Excalibur to clutch at a growing red stain forming over his heart. Looking down at the blood seeping from his shirt then back at the Forensic Anthropologist Hodgins opens his mouth. "You may have struck me down, but I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. "This Hodgins' declared with his dying breath as he collapses to the ground, twitches a few times, and then is still.

A look of relief is evident on Bones' face as she lets the gun drop from her hands to clatter on the floor. "Finally some peace and quiet."

Unnoticed by her a faint shimmering light forms behind her and condenses into the form of Hodgins. "I wouldn't be so certain of that Dr. Brennan."

Bones turns around in shock and stares open mouthed at the recently deceased bug and slime guy. "Oh hell no."

"Cut!" is heard booming from offset as the Director leans wearily back in his chair. "Someone get Dr. Orpheus again. And Bones you can't kill Hodgins regardless of the circumstances."

**Scene of Sweet's Quote**

Sweets swipes his pass through the card reader before heading up the steps leading to the platform. "Is that the sword? Can I?" He turns to look at Dr. Brennan who is standing nearby.

As she wordlessly hands him the sword Sweet's face lights up like a child's in a candy store before he composes himself. "An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age."

A look of exhaustion and weariness becomes evident on Bones' face. "People can we please stop with the Star Wars, and Arthur references?"

Hodgins and Sweets exchange a look with each other and shrug. Seeming to come to a wordless agreement Sweets once again holds up the Excalibur with a composed look on his face. "'A sword is a weapon. No matter what pretty names you give it, swordsmanship is the way to kill.'"

Bones looks at Sweets with a questioning expression on her face. "What are you talking about Sweets?"

Hodgins is tossed Excalibur by Sweets and nimbly catches it before composing his expression into one of evil. "'If your strong you live, if your weak you die.'"

Bones' eye twitches violently before she reaches into a desk drawer and yanks out a wiffle bat and nails both Sweets and Hodgins' in the head with it. "'Swift death to evil!' and if you two don't cut it out and start acting like professionals then I will follow through with it!"

"Cut. Ok Bones put down the wiffle bat, and the next person who quotes that anime is going to be spending the night locked up in the security office."

_Seshin and InuGhost2.0 are once again talking offstage. "You just can't resist quoting Rurouni Kenshin at times can you?"_

_InuGhost2.0 looks at her grinning. "I'm an anime fan, besides what are the chances they'll do another episode involving a sword?"_

**Scene of Booth telling Perotta to protect Bones**

Booth is currently reclining back on his couch loosely holding the phone in his hand. "She's your responsibility and nothing better happen to her ok. If anything happens to her silky black hair…and that soft smooth skin."

Perotta's cheeks are slightly tinged red as she interrupts Booth loudly. "I will, so stop worrying already."

Booth is currently lost in thought as he continues to talk aloud. "That small cute nose of hers…her pert and firm round ass…"

Bones is now tomato red and attempts to get Booth to shut up. "We understand Booth you can stop now."

Booth is still not paying attention and is completely lost in his fantasy. "Or those perky breasts of hers that fit so well…"

"Booth save that for later. I'm coming right over." Grabbing the keys to her car Bones rushes out of the room.

Offstage Angela and Cam are huddled close together lost in their discussion.

"So Cam do you think Temperance is heading over there for some fun?" Angela's eyes gleamed with mischief and are perfectly matched by the smile on her face.

"Well that or she's going over to hide the rest of Booth's Vicodin before Booth blabs all of their intimate secrets."

Onstage Booth is still talking loudly over the speakerphone which no one has yet to turn off. "…and that thing she does with her tongue when she's in control is exquisite."

Taking the initiative the Director walks onstage over to the speaker phone and presses a button turning it off. Turning back to the assembled actors he has a look of frustration on his face as he addresses them. "Ok people for the last time. Keep your private relationships either at home or the break room. We already have enough censurers after us already.

**Scene of Sweets at the Auction**

Bones, Hodgins and Perotta are watching the video surveillance of the auction at which Sweets is attending. Sweets is calmly sitting in the crowd dressed up in costume.

"Where did Sweets get that costume from so fast?" Perotta had to ask out of pure curiosity.

Looking away from the screen Hodgins turned to face her. "I'm guessing he got it from his closet."

"Actually Sweets got it from Booth's closet." Bones admitted in a rather embarrassed voice.

A few seconds of silence followed this admittance during which Hodgins and Perotta turned to look at the Forensic Anthropologist. Before turning back to the screen where Sweets is seen calmly sitting in the audience wearing a Green Lantern costume. Finally Hodgins asked the question on everyone's mind. "Why does Booth have a Green Lantern costume?"

"He's a fan of the comics, and had planed on going to the IMAGICON convention before…."

"You took his back out." Perotta helpfully finished for Bones.

Bones is looking very guilty and embarrassed. "He made me swear to buy him three of the five Green Lantern comics he planned to buy during the convention, and I have to dress up as Elektra this year for Halloween for the entire day along with Booth getting a photo of me in said costume."

Just about everyone on set pulls out their PDA's, cell phones, day planners, etc. in order to mark down the date so they don't forget to bring cameras themselves. During this commotion the Director makes a quick notation himself so he can remember. After putting away his cell phone he turns to the crowd. "Ok we'll keep that and just edit it a bit."

**Scene of the Auction**

The Auctioneer is standing at his podium in front of a large crowd of people all of whom are dressed in various costumes. "Lot 999 needs no introduction. It is the sword Excalibur from the movie Le Morte d' Arthur. We'll start the bidding at $500."

There is not a sound from the audience and no one expresses any interest in bidding on the sword.

"Ok how about $250?"

There is still no interest from the crowd and if anything they are starting to look bored.

"Are there really no bids for this one of a kind prop?"

In the back of the crowd someone dressed in air force military fatigues with a badge that says 'Colonel' stands up. "Who cares about that dusty old piece of junk? Get to lot 1005 already!"

Murmurs of agreement are heard from the other people at the auction. As the Auctioneer shrugs his shoulders and flips a few pages forward and a new item is brought out that looks like a giant staff. "Lot 1005 is the staff weapon carried by Teal'c in StarGate SG1. Do we have any opening bids?"

Almost everyone's hand shoots up instantly. Soon the bidders are screaming to be heard over each other in an effort to win the coveted item.

After several tense minutes during which the item is vehemently bided on between two people a winner is found. The Auctioneer bangs his gavel loudly. "Sold for $500,000 to the Federal Agent who can't spell CSI on his cap."

The Federal Agent pumps his fist in victory as a colleague sitting beside him leans in close to whisper in his ear. "Nice job Probie, though you do realize this makes you even more of a geek than it did before."

Continuing with the auction the Auctioneer brings out the next item. "Next up is lot 1006 which is the Kleenex box signed by Dr. Daniel Jackson in the first episode of StarGate SG1."

**Scene of after the auction**

The British gentleman from the auction is sitting at a table being interrogated by Perotta and Bones. "I represent a group that collects relics dating back to the Arthurian times or relating to the legend. I came here specifically for that sword."

Perotta gets up from her seat and walks over to the gentleman. "Sorry to say but you can't have the sword. It's part of a murder investigation."

The curtain to the room parts and the Auctioneer enters the room. "Man even for a rigged auction that was still exciting seeing you bidding for that sword. Man great job getting that sword." He finally notices Mormont standing in the room. "Oh shit."

Mormont is standing there with a look of rage on his face. "You mean to tell me the auction for the sword was rigged?"

Perotta, Bones, and the Auctioneer are all looking at the floor in embarrassment and disgrace. Each of them is unable to meet Mormont's eyes.

Mormont is now looking upset and disgusted. "Why is it every time I try to get some item of value the whole thing has to be set up?" Having come to a decision he turns and faces Bones. "Look I don't care if its part of a murder investigation I'm still willing to pay five hundred thousand for it once you're through with it."

Bones has a look of shock on her face as she looks at Mormont. "You have got to be kidding me."

Mormont has a smug look on his face as he pulls out his checkbook and a pen. "I never joke."

**Scene of Bones vs. Black Knight**

The Black Knight walks up to Sweets' car and draws a fist back before shattering the rear car window. Reaching through the shattered window he removes the sword Excalibur and starts walking away.

Bones continues to lie slumped forward in her seat with her head hanging down. She remains motionless as the Black Knight gets into his truck and drives away.

"Cut!" Yelling loudly and with a red face the Director leapt out of his chair as everyone on stage starts moving around. "Bones why the hell did you miss your cue?!?"

Booth is currently reaching through the passenger side window and is holding one of Bones' wrists in his hands. He holds her wrist for several seconds before letting it drop and turning to the Director. "Bad news…she forgot to wear her seat belt."

A long stream of profanity issued forth from the Director's mouth as he cursed just about anything that could come to mind. "This is just f&*$!ing great. Someone find Seto Kaiba or Dr. Orpheus so we can bring her back to life."

"_Remember kiddies always buckle up. It could save your life." InuGhost2.0 grins up until he is hit in the back of the head by a plastic spork thrown by an irate Seshin._

"_You're going to pay for killing Bones!" Wielding another spork she proceeds to chase InuGhost2.0 around the set._

**Scene from Above take 2**

The Black Knight has shattered the rear window of Sweats' car and is walking away with Excalibur.

Bones snaps awake and immediately notices the Black Knight walking away with the sword. "Hey! Come back here with that sword!" Moving quickly she manages to unbuckle her seatbelt and exits the car by leaping through the open window.

The Black Knight turns around to face Bones and drops Excalibur in shock at what Bones is wearing.

Bones is bedecked in a costume strikingly similar to Xena Warrior Princess' complete with the Chakram. "Leave now and I may just spare you life."

The Black Knight hesitates for only an instant before taking off running as though the hounds of Hades are nipping at his heels. This does him no good however as Bones waits for several seconds before throwing the Chakram at him. The Chakram nails the knight in the head and he falls to the ground out cold as the metal disc returns to Bones' hand.

"CUT!" A bemused expression is on the Director's face as he looks over the warrior anthropologist. "Dare I even ask why you're wearing that outfit?"

Bones looks down at her outfit before looking back up at the Director. "Booth suggested I wear it. He mentioned something about fan service and increased viewer ship." Bones looks over at the special agent who is currently openly staring at her and visibly drooling.

**Scene from above take 3**

The Black Knight is once again walking away clutching Excalibur as Bones lies unconscious in Sweets' car. He is halfway back to his truck before his path is blocked by a mysterious figure dressed entirely in black.

"Hold it right there. There is only room enough from one Dark Knight in this world and I'm it." The no longer so mysterious stranger rushes at the Black Knight and quickly and efficiently incapacitates him. He picks up Excalibur before turning back towards his own vehicle.

Bones has regained consciousness and has managed to open the passenger door and is running towards the departing figure. "Hey Your not going anywhere with that sword!"

The Director and film crew are starring in shock at the epic battle that is unfolding before them. It is with great effort that the Director manages to look away for even a few seconds to tell the cameraman "Whatever you do don't stop filming." Before turning back to the action.

Bones and the Dark Knight are an even match for each other and continue to trade a myriad of furious blows. Somehow Bones manages to get within his reach and with a devastating uppercut knocks the Dark Knight out cold. Grinning in triumph she boldly places her foot on the Dark Knights chest before looking up at the sky and yelling at the top of her lungs. "YES! I AM KING OF THE WORLD!" Reaching down she manages to remove the Dark Knight's cape and cowl and strips him of his belt. "These are _so_ going on my office wall." Opening one of the compartments on the belt Bones withdraws the keys to the man's vehicle before hopping in and driving off to the stunned disbelief of the crowd.

Booth, Hodgins, and Sweets are huddled together offstage quietly whispering amongst themselves. Every now and again a mournful sob can be heard coming from Booth from the crushing of his childhood dream of getting to drive the Bat Mobile.

**Scene of Sweets wanting to call Bones…Bones**

Sweets is walking beside Bones in the Jeffersonian hallway a grin on his face as he talks with her. "After that moment we shared last night you wouldn't mind if I started calling you Bones also would you?"

Bones stops in her tracks and directs a death glare at Sweets. "I do mind. Only Booth can call me Bones."

Sweets is completely oblivious to the danger he is in as he continues to grin at Bones. "Oh come on Bones lighten up."

Bones is silently counting to 10 in her head in an effort to remain calm which is proving utterly futile. "Sweets you can call me Dr. Brennan and that is all."

Sweets has a serious look on his face finally as he thinks out how to best logically explain his position to Bones. "Bones after that near fatal accident and you defending my life against that assailant I feel I have every right to call you Bones just as Booth does."

Bones eye is twitching by this point despite her attempts to remain calm. By now even her voice carries an inflection of the restrained violence as she stares at Sweets. "Sweets I'm warning you. Don't. Call. Me. Bones." Special emphasis is placed on her last four words as she slowly says them trying to convey the danger Sweets is in.

With a smile on his face Sweets rushes headlong into danger. "Whatever you say Bones."

A cry of fury escapes Bones as he eyes seem to turn bright red. In an instant she is upon Sweets and has knocked him to the floor with her hands wrapped around his neck and banging the back of his head hard against the floor.

Pandemonium has gripped the set as the other actors try and pry Bones off of Sweets before she manages to kill him. Still others are yelling loudly trying to reason with her before she completes her horrid deed. During all this chaos the Director is still calmly seated in his chair and has pulled out his cell phone and is calling security. "I don't get paid enough for this."

**Scene of Fisher explaining finding the murder weapon**

Cam is working hard in her office when Mr. Fisher walks in grinning and carrying an item. "I've discovered what the murder weapon was."

At Fisher's declaration Cam looks up from what she is doing in excitement. "You have! What is it?"

With a smile of pride Fisher holds up a large metal device. "This is it. The pair of anguish. It's a medieval torture device. Valerie has one.

Cam has a look of shock on her face as she gives him her undivided attention. "Valerie…how do you know this?"

"Our eyes met at the convention and two sad and lonely hearts met each other in a night of passion."

Cam is slightly red faced at Fisher's admittance. "Ok."

"Aside from collecting rare and unique medieval weapons Valerie is also a fan of the delicate balance between pain and pleasure."

Cam is now even more shocked and embarrassed. "Come again."

"She asked me to use this on her, not all the way mind you, but just en…"

At this point Cam had heard enough and covering her ears she shouted loudly. "I don't want to hear anymore! Look can you just show me why you're certain this is the murder weapon."

"Sure." Walking over he grabbed a nearby skull that was sitting in a display case. Taking the skull he proceeded to use the pair of anguish to destroy the skull's jaw. "That's how it's done."

Cam nodded her head obviously impressed. "Very nicely done Mr. Fisher. Except you know you're in trouble now."

Fisher's normal gloomy expression dominates his face once again as he looks at Cam. "For sleeping with a suspect, I know and I'll try and never let it happen again."

"No not that. You're in trouble for destroying a three hundred year old skull. Which you get to explain to Dr. Brennan when she gets back."

A look of sudden relief is visible on Fisher's face. "So I'm not in trouble for sleeping with Valerie?"

"Of course you're not in trouble. If we punished everyone who worked here for sleeping with someone only Max Keenan and Zach would be the only two who wouldn't be in trouble constantly.

**Scene of Perotta dealing with the Black Knights**

Perotta hangs up her phone and walks into the conference room containing all the Black Knight suspects whilst grinning evilly.

A couple of Black Knights are standing beside the door and bow low as Perotta enters. "My Lady."

Perotta goes and seats herself at the head of the conference table before gazing at the gathered knights. "Good knights I have come to an important decision. You are all valiant and brave, and that shall be rewarded. I wish for you all to fight to the death. The winner shall have the honor and privilege of sharing my bed tonight for an evening of passion and romance. What say you?"

The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop as all the Black Knights gaze in shock at Perotta in stunned silence. After a few seconds they all begin to look wearily at each other. Suddenly an armed Black Knight draws his sword and attacks another Black Knight who is unarmed. The second Black Knight grabs a nearby wooden chair in a desperate attempt to defend himself.

Perotta has a self satisfied look on her face as she sips calmly at her coffee enjoying the carnage unfolding before her.

The Director is standing offstage with a look of shock and horror on his face. He manages to duck a flying severed arm and sidesteps a Black Knight who is lying prone on the floor as he heads over to his office mumbling to himself. "Cleanup is going to be a nightmare once this is done. Though this will probably be added to the unrated season four DVD."

**Scene of Bones checking on Booth the last time**

Bones is standing in Booth's apartment holding a copy of his X-Ray up to the light for a better look. "Your doctor misdiagnosed your injury. Your spine just needs readjustment. I can do that for you in 15 seconds."

Booth is looking wearily at Bones from his position on the couch. "I'm not so certain of that Bones. Last time you managed to injure me. This time you might end up killing me."

Bones rolls her eyes at Booth as she proceeds to walk towards him. "Booth please I'm a professional. I know what I'm doing so hold still."

During this discussion the door to Booth's apartment opens and agent Perotta walks inside carrying a brown paper bag and dressed in a long brown coat. "Booth I wanted to see if you were feeling any better. I brought dinner." She walks into the living room and is shocked at the scene before her.

Bones is sitting astride Booth, who is flat on his back on the couch and shirtless, whereas Bones is still fully clothed and is attempting to pull his upper body skyward despite her sitting on his lap. "Perotta I didn't expect to see you here. Could you give me a hand; I'm trying to realign Booth's back."

Perotta sits down the bag she is carrying and walks into the living room. "Sure. What is it you need me to do?"

"I need you to hold down Booth's legs while I try to raise his upper torso."

Pain is evident on Booth's face in spite of his attempts to conceal it. "Isn't there an easier way to do this that involves less pain?"

Bones releases Booth's upper body as she sits and thinks for a few minutes before coming up with an answer. "Well the only other surefire way to realign your back is through join extraneous physical exertion."

Booth has a bewildered look on his face as he looks at Bones questioning. "In layman's terms?"

Perotta and Bones exchange a look during which both roll their eyes at his obliviousness. "She means sex Booth."

At the mention of the word sex Booth's face lights up in a huge grin. "That's not a bad idea. Let's try that."

Bones shrugs and starts removing her clothes. "If that's what you want Booth. Perotta you can still help me out with this if you want."

"Sure whatever it takes to help Booth." Perotta slowly starts to remove her clothes also.

Booth is grinning and drooling by this time and is gazing at the two women stripping.

"Cut! People this is not an R rated HBO show. Bones put your clothes back on."

Booth has a hurt look on his face as he glances back and forth between the Director and Bones who is in the process of removing her bra. "Does she have to?"

_A/N: Well that's all for now. Please review and let me know what you thought of this, and also let me know what episodes you want to see outtakes of. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Oh and remember reviews make authors happy, and happy authors are productive authors._


	2. The Passenger in the Oven

**The Passenger in the Oven**

**By: InuGhost2.0**

_Disclaimer: InuGhost2.0 walks out holding a Magic 8 Ball. "Will Booth and Bones get together? Yes. Will Zach ever return? Answer is foggy ask again later. Will I ever own the rights to anything that appears in this? Heaven help us if you do." InuGhost2.0 glowers at the Magic 8 Ball before tossing it into the air and slicing it in half. _

_A/N: Well here is chapter two. Hope you enjoy it._

**Scene of Booth Sneaking into first class**

_The 'Metal Gear Solid Theme' is playing_

The entire plane is dark to assist the passengers in sleeping. The only source of light being the fasten seat belt sign, and the roving spotlights. The spotlights are being manned by the airline personnel who want to ensure no one sneaks into first class. Aiding them in this task are the submachine guns they carry during their patrols. Occasionally one of the sentries will stop for a quick smoke before resuming duty.

Way at the back of the plane Booth is almost finished preparing for his excursion into hostile territory. He is dressed in gray camouflage, black boots, is wearing a gray headband and has at least three days worth of beard growth on his face. Feeling ready he slips on a pair of gloves. "Ok now to put all those hours of playing 'Metal Gear' to good use." Taking one last look around to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything he spots something. "Ah now _that_ will make this whole mission easier."

A few minutes later everything is still looking about the same. The patrols however are not as alert since they are in the middle of guard rotation. At the doorway leading to first class two of the airline personnel are standing close together talking. Their submachine guns hang loosely from their arms forgotten in favor of the cigarettes both are smoking.

"It's quiet tonight. Too quiet if you ask me. I suspect we may encounter trouble." Tossing the cigarette to the ground he grounded it out with his foot.

"Your being to paranoid. Nothing is going to happen." The second airline personnel takes a moment to survey the sleeping passengers. "Hey did you just see that?"

"See what?"

"That cardboard box there. I think it was just moving."

"You're seeing things. Why on Earth would a cardboard box be moving by itself? For that matter what is a cardboard box doing in the middle of the aisle?" They start cautiously walking over to the harmless looking box.

Inside the cardboard box Booth is sweating profusely. 'Why is it so hot in here?' Looking out through one of the handholds Booth spots the two personnel heading towards him. "How could they have spotted me? This kind of thing never happens to Snake."

As the airline personnel reach the box a member of the sentries shines the spotlight directly on the box. The spotlight illuminates the box and the area around it as one of the men bends down and lifts the box up.

From his position on the floor Booth looks up at the personnel staring down at him. In some unexplainable way a large red exclamation mark appears over his head. "!" Moving with nimble speed Booth gets on his feet and rushes back towards the rear of the plane.

The guards seeing Booth running fire off a few warning shots in his direction whilst sounding the alarm. During the commotion the airline personnel who had first noticed the moving box turned to his companion. "Darn Coachies thinking they can sneak into first class."

"Cut! Ok people enough is enough. The Wii and Playstations are out of the break room until further notice!" Getting out of his chair the Director made a beeline for the break room to ensure his desire was carried out before one of the actors could hide the game consoles.

_Seshin gives InuGhost2.0 a look. "Someone has been playing way to much Super Smash Brothers Brawl lately it seems."_

_Attempting to defend himself InuGhost2.0 quickly retorts "I don't play it that often. Besides referencing it and Snake is preferable to mentioning that 'Mission Impossible' movie."_

**Scene of Stewardess catching Booth in first class**

Booth has successfully managed to sneak into first class while the Stewardess was busy. He is relaxing in one of the padded seats next to Bones. "Now this is what I call flying. first class is definitely the way to travel."

Seemingly out of nowhere the Stewardess shows up looking at the relaxing couple. "Sir I'm not sure if you belong in first class."

Booth pulls the eye mask off as he looks at the Stewardess with his trademark cocky grin. "Oh. It's ok we're partners." He makes sure to indicate himself and Bones.

"Sir your sexual relationship is no concern of mine. Now unless you have a ticket for first class I'll be forced to escort you back to coach."

The no nonsense look on the Stewardess' face informed Booth that he would not be able to weasel his way out of this. Acting quickly Booth reached into his pocket to extract a piece of paper. "I do have a ticket see." He holds up a ticket stub for first class.

Taking the ticket stub the Stewardess examines it carefully to ensure it is for this flight and that everything is in order. "I'm very sorry about bothering you like this sir. What about you Ma'am?" Turning to Bones the Stewardess had a patient expression on her face as she extended her hand awaiting Bones' ticket stub.

"Yes, I do its right here." Bones reaches into her pants pocket and frowns. Throwing aside her blanket she continues to search her person, the chair, the floor, and even her purse for the missing ticket stub. "I don't understand. I had it just a minute ago." By now Bones is down on her hands and knees looking under the seat to see if the ticket stub fell on the floor.

With a sigh of frustration the Stewardess grabs Bones' shirt collar and hauls her upright. "I'm sorry Ma'am but since you obviously don't have a first class ticket you'll have to go back to coach." Taking Bones by the arm she starts walking her towards the back of the plane.

By now Bones is in full panic mode as she is being led away she turns and looks back over her shoulder to the still reclining Booth. "This isn't right! I actually belong in first class, Booth doesn't! Booth back me up here! Booth! Booth!"

Booth absentmindedly waves goodbye to Bones as he settles more into his seat. After placing a pillow behind his head and covering himself with a blanket he pulls out the ticket stub looking at it with a look of guilt on his face. "Sorry Bones, but eight hours squished between two people in coach is eight hours to much for me." Pocketing Bones' ticket stub he snuggles deeper into the seat as he wonders aloud. "Hopefully she'll understand and forgive me before New Years."

**Scene of Discovering the Body**

Booth is reclining in first class next to Bones on account of the Stewardess having gone down into the galley. The two are talking quietly about Bones wanting to go back to studying ancient bones when a loud scream from down below interrupts their conversation.

"Booth did you hear that!?!" Bones is sitting upright in her seat and has taken off her eye mask. She looks questioningly at Booth, sitting beside her, to ensure she wasn't just hearing things.

"Whatever it is it doesn't sound good." In a flash Booth has managed to go from reclining in his seat to alert and somehow standing in the aisle, without having to maneuver around Bones. He races down the steps with Bones in hot pursuit.

The Kitchen is immaculately clean and sparkles as if the metal was just thoroughly polished. A pot of hot coffee is sitting on a table steam still rising from it. However there is no sign of the Stewardess or whatever it was that had made her scream.

Bones, in a shoulder less blue evening gown is searching the Kitchen alongside Booth for any sign of the Stewardess.

Booth is standing in front of the freezer as he turns to look at Bones to see if she has had any success in finding the Stewardess. Noticing from the expression on her face he says aloud what both are thinking. "Well where is she?"

At that moment the door to the freezer slowly opens behind Booth. Inside the freezer is the Stewardess with a knife planted firmly in her back.

"AAAAHHHHH!!!!" The shock of the woman's body being in the freezer startles Bones and a scream escapes her lips.

Acting on instinct Booth manages to catch the body as it falls. "I didn't do it! Somebody help me…" The weight of the corpse proves too much for him as he goes crashing to the floor beneath it.

"CUT!" is heard bellowing from the Director and he leans back in his chair both hands massaging his temples in a vain attempt to prevent the oncoming headache. He is quietly murmuring to himself. Something about a DVD player in the break room.

_Seshin is looking at a grinning InuGhost2.0 and rolls her eyes. "Ripping off Clue. Reeeally original."_

_InuGhost2.0 continues to grin as he looks to his sarcastic colleague. "An author's gotta do what an author's got to do."_

**Scene from above take 2**

As Booth and Bones reach the bottom of the steps they notice the Airline Stewardess curled up on one side of the kitchen shaking in fear. Their noisy arrival shook the Stewardess out of her fear and seeing the questioning looks on their faces she pointed towards the oven.

"I found this person in the oven. She's…she's been cooked."

As Booth walked over to comfort the Stewardess Bones headed over to the open oven to look at the victim. At a glance Bones could tell that whoever had killed the woman and put her in the oven didn't do anything halfway.

The victim was situated inside a large open pan and was surrounded by various vegetables, her skin was a crisp light brown, her hands and feet had been bound and covered in some kind of sauce, and to top it all off a large red apple had been stuffed into her open mouth. Overall it reminded Bones of a Hawaiian luau she had been to once.

Booth having done what he could for the Stewardess joined Bones in examining the body in the oven. Seeing the cooked body and catching a whiff Booth's mouth began watering. "Is it just me or does she smell _really_ good?

Bones could only turn and look at Booth in stunned silence.

"What? All I've had to eat for the last day and a half is the crappy food they served in the terminal and in coach, and right now I'd settle for something decent to eat. Hell I'd be willing to kill for a Big Mac right now."

"Booth she's a victim and evidence. We can't eat her."

Booth put on his best puppy dog expression. "I'm not asking for much. Maybe just a leg or a thigh."

"No Booth."

"Then what about when we solve the case. Can I eat her then?"

"No."

Fed up with the Forensic Anthropologist by this point Booth went with his instincts and said the first thing that came to mind. "You know Bones if I don't get something to eat soon I'll probably just settle for your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." He then hissed at her.

"CUT! Someone run off to McDonalds and grab Booth some Lunch before he goes Hannibal Lecter on all of us." The Director's stomach then growled loudly. "On second thought why don't we break for Lunch?"

**Scene of Booth walking in on Bones doing the Autopsy**

Booth is talking on the phone to Cam as he heads down the steps to the airplane's kitchen. Halfway down the steps he hangs up the phone. Finally when he reaches the bottom of the steps he calls out to his partner. "Bones."

Bones is currently in the middle of performing an autopsy on the victim. She is dressed in whatever was handy to help prevent contamination of the body in addition to keeping her clothes clean. At the mention of her name she looks up from the body and stares at Booth through the large cat's eye reading glasses.

At the sight of Bones in the glasses Booth stops in his tracks in shock. He cannot help but stare at his partner as lusty thoughts run through his head. "Bones what I want you to do is take off those glasses, shake your hair out and say 'Mr. Booth do you know what the penalty is for an overdue book?'"

A look of confusion is evident on Bones' face as she tries to understand why Booth has made such a strange request. "Why?"

Booth feeling slightly embarrassed from allowing himself to lose control like that turns to leave. "Never mind."

"Booth wait a second." As Booth starts heading up the stairs he is stopped by Bones' who has grabbed hold of his arm. "Why do you want me to do all that? We could save the time and effort if we just go upstairs and use one of the bathrooms for a few hours."

Looking back at the doctor Booth was slightly surprised by what she had said. Thankfully for him instinct took over at this point and he had grabbed hold of Bones and was practically dragging her up the stairs behind him for some private time together.

**Scene from above take 2**

Bones is talking to Cam as she walks down the steps towards the kitchen. Before reaching the bottom of the stairs she finishes her conversation with Cam. She starts mentally preparing herself for the autopsy she is about to perform. When she reaches the bottom she sees Booth bent over the body. "Booth?"

Booth had been attempting to look for trace evidence on the body before Bones had arrived. At the sound of her voice Booth looks up from the body at Bones. He is wearing the glasses he borrowed from the woman to help him in his endeavor.

The sight of Booth in those glasses fills Bones with feelings of lust. Images of several dreams and fantasies she has had about Booth pass rapidly through her mind. Her higher brain functions currently derailed she lets Booth know what is on her mind. "Booth what I want you to do is: take off those glasses, handcuff me to the oven, and ravage me."

Booth has a puzzled expression on his face as he goes over what Bones has just said. "Bones last time I ravaged you, you said not to handcuff you unless it was to a bed. Remember you ended up with sore muscles for three days afterwards."

Bones blushes bright red as she remembers the incident Booth is talking about in vivid detail. Embarrassment overrides her earlier feelings of lust and with higher brain functions restored Bones decides upon the best response. "Uh…yeah you're right Booth. Never mind then." Bones turns around and quickly leaves the set and heads for the changing room in need of a long cold shower.

**Scene of the Squints arriving back at the Jeffersonian after their short vacation**

The discovery of the passenger in the oven has forced Bones to call her team for help unfortunately canceling their vacation plans. Cam walks gingerly into the Jeffersonian with a flushed face. "So um…what is this about?"

Cam's question was answered by Hodgins, who was dressed as though he belonged on a golf course. "Someone was murdered on Dr. Brennan's flight and Booth is insistent on solving the case before they land in China."

"Is that all? He interrupts my plea…my nap simply so he can solve a case." Cam is incredulous and was upset with her near slip of the tongue.

"Hey you are preaching to the choir here. I was hoping to play 18 holes today, and that's not going to happen now."

It was at that moment the doors to the Jeffersonian hissed open. Hodgins and Cam were amused to see Sweets come running into the building wearing a pink bathrobe. "What's the emergency?"

Doing her best to hide her smirk Cam managed to compose herself as she turned to face the psychiatrist. "Dr. Sweets what are you doing here?"

"I got Dr. Brennan's 911 text, so I rushed right over. Why is something the matter?"

Unable to help himself any longer Hodgins burst out laughing "Dude if you haven't noticed your wearing a woman's bathrobe."

Sweets looks at Hodgins puzzled before glancing down at himself. All the color drains quickly from his face leaving him looking as white as the underbelly of a fish. "Crap! I grabbed Daisy's bathrobe by mistake.

"Mr. Sweets maybe you should leave until you are more appropriately dressed."

Sweets gave Cam an evil look not only from her comment but also her attitude. "Ok Dr. Saroyan you're probably right. Oh By the way Dr. Addy wanted me to give you this." Reaching into one of the bathrobe's pockets he extracted a leopard print bra. "He said he's keeping your panties for now. Wants to make sure you'll be back to visit him before you go home tonight." Tossing the bra to Cam, Sweets turned to leave.

Cam was beat red as she hastily stuffed the bra into her purse before she rounded on the chuckling Hodgins. "You mention one word of this to Dr. Brennan and I'll…"

Holding up a hand Hodgins interrupted the embarrassed doctor. "You'll do what, fire me? You forget my family is the Jeffersonian's biggest donators."

Cam muttered silently under her mouth before looking at Hodgins again. "Fuck, well at least don't tell Angela."

"To late honey." Angela is standing behind Cam and managed to hear about everything. "I will say that I'm proud of you. I always knew you were a woman at heart." She loops an arm around Cam's neck before planting a chaste kiss on the woman's cheek.

**Scene of Interrogating the Pilot**

Booth and Bones are interrogating the pilot who is mentioned in the upcoming magazine article, as having a DUI record, the victim had finished writing. The three of them are standing outside the cockpit, well at least Booth and Bones are standing the pilot is continuously swaying back and forth.

"According to our records you've have a DUI record. The victim's article was going to reveal this to the public, and the company that hired you. This gives you motivation to see her dead." Suspicion was clearly evident in Booth's voice as he stared at the pilot ready to read the man's face and uncover the truth.

The pilot continues to sway back and forth as he stands before Booth and Bones. He has a drunken grin on his face while his eyes look up and down Bones' body. "Looks buddy Iss knows whats I'm hese. Sose the towse of youse cans go. The ladyse are free tose party with mes in the cockpit." The pilot starts laughing loudly as he sways to far to the right and goes crashing to the ground.

"Booth I get the strong feeling the pilots drunk." Taking her eyes off the now sound asleep pilot to look at her partner she misses seeing him rolling his eyes."

"What was your first clue Bones."

The sarcasm in Booth's voice was clearly obvious to anyone who had the slightest ability to read a person's face. Sadly Bones lacked the necessary skills and thought Booth was being serious. "Well he obviously reeks of alcohol and he is clutching that half empty liquor bottle."

A resounding SMACK was heard throughout the building as Booth face palmed at how naïve Bones could be at times.

**Scene of Bones taking control of the plane**

Booth comes walking out of the cockpit with a pissed off look on his face. "There is no way we can delay the plane any longer. The airline company called and demanded we get back on schedule."

Bones could only grin mischievously in response. "That is where you're wrong Booth." Reaching behind her Bones pulled her gun out of the waistband of her jeans. "I can force them to delay."

A multitude of emotions raced across Booth's face ranging from joy to anger to shock. "Bones…how the hell did you get your gun on this flight?"

"The security officials are fans they let me keep it." Turning Bones headed back into coach keeping her weapon by her side. Bones picks up the speaker phone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. That means I am in charge and if anyone wishes to disagree with me they will be shot."

"Bones I can't let you do this."

Bones scoffs loudly at Booth's declaration. "Oh please you can't do anything. You are not Nicholas Cage so I have nothing to fear from you.

**Scene of Booth trying to get supplies from the passengers**

Booth and Bones are standing in the doorway leading to coach along with the airline stewardesses. To solve the case Bones needs to make a cast of the weapon, unfortunately she is lacking the materials needed and the two of them are hopping the passengers will have the necessary items.

As the lights in coach are turned on Booth takes the speaker phone off the hook. "Excuse me sorry to disturb you but Dr. Brennan and I have a case that we need your help in solving. We are in dire need of supplies."

The airline passengers either do not care or are not paying attention to Booth because not one of them even tries to look for the items needed.

Bones leaned into Booth so she could whisper quietly to him. "I doubt your getting through to them."

"I can see that Bones." Booth takes a few moments to think and then the proverbial light bulb goes off over his head. "I've got it. There is one way that will definitely make them help us. Provided you packed _it_?"

Bones knew exactly what _it_ was from the grin on Booth's face. "Yes Booth I did pack _it_ just promise me that you won't damage it."

"Bones you have my word on it." (Smiling cockily Booth headed back into first class to retrieve Bones' suitcase. He was gone for several minutes before making his grand reentrance. Flying out of the bathroom Booth posed dramatically in front of the shocked crowd. "Citizens we need your assistance in solving a most heinous crime."

The airline passengers are uncertain what to do about this sudden occurrence until one passenger in the back stands up. "It's Batman!!!"

The man's cry rouses the other passengers out of their stupor. Almost as one the other passengers in coach rise to their feet maniacal glee on their faces.

Booth is shocked to recognize almost everyone of the passengers and a look of horror appears on his face. "Oh shit."

Somehow in a strange twist of fate the airline company has managed the near impossible. They have managed to fill coach with just about every Batman villain possible. The fifty or so villains are waiting for Booth to make the first move it is not until the Joker, the man who had first stood up, yelled "Get him!" that all the villains rush at Booth.

Seeing the villains rushing at him Booth could only say one thing before they dog piled him. "If I ever get my hands on the author he is going to pay."

**Scene of Bones wanting stuff from the passengers**

Bones picks up the speaker phone so she can talk to the passengers. "Excuse me. Sorry to bother you but we need some supplies from all of you."

Booth takes the phone from Bones "Someone has been murdered so we need your help solving the case."

Bones starts speaking loudly as the Stewardesses start going up and down the aisle collecting the items. "I need: a disposable diaper, some Advil, denture glue, Mentos, diet coke, and some cracked pepper."

The passengers are handing over the requested items to the stewardesses as hey pass by. Soon enough Bones has more than the required amount of the necessary items. Taking the items she heads down into the kitchen to start working.

Ten minutes later and there is still no sign of the Forensic Anthropologist. Booth was beginning to become worried since he didn't think it would take this long. "What on Earth is she doing?"

At that moment Bones chose to come back upstairs. She is holding the disposable diaper, which is bulging, at arms length when she reenters coach. "Ok people I have a bomb! If the murderer doesn't come forward in ten minutes then I'm going to blow this place up!"

"Bones! Isn't this a little extreme!?!"

Bones has a crazy look in her eyes as she turns towards Booth. "There is no way I'm missing those ancient bones Booth. I'd sooner take everyone out."

Booth goes for his gun before he remembers that he doesn't have it. "Shit. I can't stop her."

"CUT! Bones put down the diaper and no one will get hurt." The Director pleaded with her.

"NEVER! I will not put it down until I get to examine those bones!" Bones started to raise the diaper over her head before getting hit by several tranquilizer darts. She quickly loses consciousness and passes out.

"Ok let's just take a couple hours break while we see about getting some therapy for Bones."

**Scene of Booth and Bones flying home**

Booth and Bones are sitting in first class. Booth has found a bottle of champagne and the two are toasting their success in solving the case. The teenage suspect is handcuffed back in coach, yet he can see everything that is going on.

"Are you two going to make out?" The boy inquired drunkenly from his seat. He is looking on in interest hopeful of getting a free show.

Turning around Booth glared at the teenager and sarcastically replied "No we're going to join the mile high club. But it's for adult's eyes only. So you're too young to see this." Getting up from his seat Booth walked over and yanked the divider curtain closed then headed back to his seat.

Bones' face is slightly flushed either from arousal or embarrassment. After Booth has retaken his seat she looks at him with surprise on her face and hope in her eyes. "Booth…did you really mean that?"

Booth looked at Bones in confusion. "No, I just said it to torture the kid." With a sigh Booth reclined his seat back all the way.

Bones has a cross look on her face. Reaching down she unbuckles her seat belt and grabs the bag that was sitting down by her feet. Standing up she removes her bags from the overhead bin. "Fine if that's the case Booth." Taking her bags she maneuvered out into the aisle.

Bones' actions cause Booth to sits up in his seat. He attempts to stand but is hampered by his reclined seat. "Bones where are you…?"

Before Booth can finish his question Bones turns around shooting him a hate filled glare. "No! Booth you are staying here! I don't want to deal with you for the rest of this flight!" Bones goes over to the other side of the plane and farther forward. She sits down in a window seat ensuring that she will not have to deal with or even look at Booth for the rest of the flight.

Booth has a look of stunned confusion on his face. For the life of him he cannot figure out what it was he said that so upset Bones. "Women."

**Scene of the Presidential Election Results**

The television in first class is currently tuned to CNN to allow the passengers to keep up to date with the presidential election. No states have been called yet since the results are being checked over repeatedly.

Bones is currently fast asleep in her reclined seat and thus paying absolutely no attention to the television.

"This just in we have the final results for each and every state. Surprisingly neither Obama nor McCain have won." The news anchors reporting the results are looking strangely at the results they have been handed as if they do not trust them.

The few people who are awake in first class turn their attention to the television interested in this turn of events.

"The new president of the United States is instead an almost unanimous write in. Dr. Temperance Brennan."

Bones is still fast asleep in her chair snoring softly. "Zzzzzzzzzzzz." At least until she is shaken awake.

"Bones. Bones wake up! Did you hear what they just said!?!"

Bones lifts her eye mask and stares groggily at Booth. "Booth…what are you doing back in first class." She tiredly looks at her watch before looking at the FBI agents grinning face. "Booth you've already had five Booty calls, the last one not even twenty minutes ago."

"Bones it's not that...though that would still be nice. Anyway CNN just announced you were elected as President."

Bones looks at Booth's face trying to discern if he is lying before turning to look at the television which is displaying a picture of her with 'US President' underneath. Without warning she leaps out of her seat and starts doing a victory dance.

"Cut! Ok look people I know it would be a dream come true, yet it's not even realistic. So can we please stick to realism and not fantasy from now on?"

**Extra**

10 ways to Annoy a Federal Agent

1. Mention how kickass Sully is compared to him. Extra points if his eye twitches.  
2. Tell him how you honestly feel Bones can so kick his ass.  
3. Ask him why everyone has a bigger gun then him.  
4. Sign him up on Adult Friend Finder or other dating sites. Make sure to include his cell, home, and work numbers.  
5. Screw up his hotel reservations so he is forced to share a bed with Bones.  
6. Screw up his order at the diner, then blame it on his inability to give clear and precise orders.  
7. Play "Another One Bites the Dust" whenever he injures or arrests a suspect.  
8. Casually mention to Bones that Booth has a tattoo somewhere private. Make sure to fail to mention where.  
9. Replace his laundry detergent with pink dye. Or some other girly color.  
10. Force him to go shopping with Bones at Victoria Secret. Ensure Bones models multiple lingerie for him. (If he still doesn't break down and take her right there, then resign in disgust till Plan C is formulated.)

_A/N: Well I hope you liked this. Please review and let me know what you thought and feel free to let me know what 'Bones' episodes your wanting to see outtakes for. And remember reviews make authors happy, and happy authors are productive authors._


	3. The Santa in the Slush

Santa in the Slush

By: InuGhost2.0

**Disclaimer: Thankfully I own nothing. Otherwise Seshin would likely be bugging me to get her Edward's autograph, or at least Bella's.**

A/N: _Well in between dodging all the zombies that have infested the campus (Humans vs. Zombies game) and being sick to my stomach I managed to get this little number put together for you. I hope you enjoy it, oh and remember to let me know what episodes your wanting to see, otherwise you'll have to deal with my choices…and they may not be good._

**Scene of Bones talking with her father about Christmas**

Bones is sitting with her father in jail catching up with each other before the Christmas holiday. Bones dressed in her normal brown overcoat cannot help but look perplexed by her father's choice of having chains draped all over his body. Finally with her curiosity driving her nuts she had to ask "Dad what are you doing wearing those chains? Are you playing Jacob Marley?"

"Oh these?" Max Keenan holds up the chains making them loudly rattle and clank. "Naah, I'm not playing Jacob Marley. One of the other guys on my cellblock annoyed me so I'm planning on hanging him from the ceiling tonight. Besides I need to build up my rep. The last guy I shanked survived and the other inmates might start thinking I've gone soft."

Bones gives her father a horrified look as she covers her ears "Dad I don't want to hear this."

Getting up from his seat Max leaned across the table and took his daughter's hands in his before slowly pulling them away from her ears. "Honey you need to know these things in order to survive if you ever end up in here yourself."

At her father's concern Bones could not help rolling her eyes. "Dad I'll be fine. Besides I've already figured out how best to start a mass riot my first week in the joint. During which I'll make sure to kill all my enemies as viciously and publicly as possible."

A smile graced Max's face as he gently mussed up his daughter's hair. "That's my girl always using her brain just like her Father and Mother."

"Cut. Ok…that's one family lesson I don't think we want the kiddies learning." The Director had a slightly disturbed look on his face as he watched the intimate father and daughter moment occurring on stage.

**Scene of Bones' Christmas Travel Plans**

As Bones and her father sit discussing Christmas and what Max is doing he cannot help but wonder what his daughter is planning to do this Christmas. "So Temperance any plans for Christmas this year?"

"Well I got a letter from some guy named Hugh who wants to do a magazine article on my work."

"Well that's good to hear Sweetie. Does Hugh have a last name?"

Bones' face scrunches up as she thinks for a moment. "I believe it was Heffner."

At the mention of that name Max's face goes deathly pale. His mouth opens and closes like a fish for a few moments as he tries to process what he has just heard. "Uh…Temperance he didn't ask you to do any photos with that magazine article did he?"

"Actually he did want to shoot a few photos of me to go along with the article."

"Temperance I don't know how to tell you this, but he just wants to take nude photographs of you for the magazine 'Playboy'."

Bones looks across the table at her father with a straight and level face. "I know that Dad."

"And I don't want you going into this bli….YOU KNOW!"

"Yeah, I'm not _that_ out of the loop."

Max is utterly baffled and once again needs a few moments to compose his thoughts and next words. "Then why do you want to pose nude in 'Playboy'?"

"Well Dad, how else do you expect me to get Booth to notice me?"

Max thinks on what his daughter had just said for a few minutes before he nods his head in agreement. "You've got a good point."

**Scene of Bones' Favorite Christmas**

During her discussion with her Father about Christmas Bones starts smiling fondly at a memory. "I remember this one Christmas where you and Mom gave me a toolbox."

Instantly knowing of the Christmas his daughter is talking about Max also starts smiling. "You were so happy to see it. Even though it was meant for Russ he let you have it."

"Then what did you give Russ?"

Max: The SNES you were supposed to get."

"Whatever happened to the toolbox anyway?"

Max starts chuckling. "Your Mom and I took it away from you after you smashed Ricky Thompson's hand with the hammer in retaliation for him dumping you on Valentines Day."

Bones gets a dreamy look on her face as she remembers the incident. "Oh right. I remember that now. He was cute though."

Offstage Hodgins and Booth are standing close together as they quietly discuss what they have just learned about the forensic anthropologist.

"Dude you might want to be careful if you ever want to date Dr. Brennan."

Booth nods absentmindedly. "For some reason knowing that Bones can be that violent in the heat of a moment just makes her seem all the hotter."

**Scene of Booth's Christmas Plans**

Bones is riding in the passenger seat of Booth's SUV as they head off to a crime scene. The two have been discussing the upcoming Holiday. "So Booth what are your plans for Christmas?"

"I'm thinking of going on a murderous rampage of death and destruction." Booth's eyes were fixated on the road ahead and not even a smile graced his face to indicate if he was lying.

"Rebecca's taking Parker on another weekend getaway I take it." Sighing deeply Bones settled further back into her seat already prepared for the conversation she has had with Booth a near dozen times now.

Booth turned to look at his partner with a mixture of surprise and annoyance. "How did you know?"

"Because whenever Rebecca takes Parker on a weekend getaway, when he's supposed to spend the weekend with you, you always talk about going on a murderous rampage which you have yet to ever do."

Booth is indignant at what Bones has just said about him. "I do not!"

Sitting upright in her seat Bones points her finger at him and yells out loudly "Yes you do! And all you're going to do is whine and complain about it for a few days, and then when Parker gets back you are going to hug him, tell him how much you love him and missed him, and cry."

A depressed downtrodden expression appears on Booth's face as he contemplates what Bones has just said. "Your right Bones, I'm stuck in a rut. But that's all about to change right now!" Booth jerks the steering wheel hard to the right and presses the accelerator down to the floor.

The scene shifts to outside of the black SUV as it steers hard to the right and goes sailing through a guard rail and flying over a cliff. Upon impact the SUV bursts into flames before exploding. Pieces of burning wreckage and body parts start raining down upon the set and the production crew.

"CUT!" The Director screams out as he leaps out of his chair before it is crushed underneath a burning tire. He cannot help but run his hands over his face and through his hair as he surveys the burning wreckage. "This is going to take weeks to clean up, and days just to put their bodies back together. We'll never finish this episode at this rate!"

At that precise moment Booth and Bones walk up behind the Director. "Whose Bodies will it take days to put back together?"

Turning around the Director looks at them in shock. "Wha…I thought you two were in the SUV?"

"Naaah. That was just our stunt doubles. They had a little too much to drink tonight and thought they could pull off that stunt."

"Oh, well in that case…Let's get this wreckage picked up people so we can continue. Just go ahead and throw the body parts into the nearest garbage can or dumpster."

**Scene of Bones' making the deal with Caroline**

Bones is at the FBI headquarters pleading with Caroline in hopes of giving her Father the family Christmas he so desires. "Please you've got to let me use the congeniality trailer. I want my family to be together for Christmas."

"Ok Cherie, but you've got to do something for me."

"Anything, just name it and I can do it."

"Cam and I have this rather large bet going with Drs. Sweets and Hodgins. All you have to do is kiss Booth under the mistletoe."

Bones blushes lightly at the thought of kissing Booth. "That doesn't sound like it'll be too hard."

Caroline has a slightly evil smile on her face as she regards the forensic anthropologist. "Hold on there Cherie, there is more. This can't be a brotherly/sisterly kiss, or even a friendly peck on the cheek. I want passionate, and Cam wants to see some tongue action."

Bones' blush deepens as she thinks even more about the kiss and she can feel herself becoming aroused by the thought of it. "Are there any other conditions?"

"Actually there is. You two have to kiss for over a minute this will likely be a fan favorite episode simply because of the kiss. So feel free to push the rating a bit, and indulge the fans with a lot of fan service."

"Cut. Ok well done people. We'll likely need to edit it a bit for rating, but I think it'll work."

**Scene of Hodgins Digging for Evidence**

Booth is standing in the alleyway behind a Chinese restaurant. He has good reason to believe this was the crime scene and is waiting while Hodgins sorts through all the garbage inside a nearby dumpster in the hope of locating evidence.

Hodgins stands up in the dumpster and grabs hold of the side as he turns to look at the FBI agent. "Do you have any idea how filthy this thing is?"

Booth who had been using a flashlight to examine the ground for bloodstains turns his attention to the Jeffersonian bug and slime guy. "I have a pretty good guess, which is why I'm letting you dig through it."

Hodgins gives Booth a look before he dives back into the dumpster. After a few more minutes of searching a cry comes up. "Eureka I think I've found it!" Standing up Hodgins once again grasps the side of the dumpster as he turns to look at Booth while holding up a Chinese takeout box. "Here we go; this has the same trace material as was found on the bottom of Santa's suit." By now Hodgins is completely covered head to toe in garbage and resembles a monster one would see in a movie.

Turning once again to look at the scientist Booth gives out a cry of fright. "MONSTER!" With finely honed reflexes Booth reaches down to his holster and removes his gun before leveling it at the monster. In quick succession Booth unloads his entire clip into the monster's body before reloading his gun and leveling it at the monster in the event of further hostility.

Hodgins groans deeply before falling backwards into the dumpster dead.

In a fit of rage the Director leaps up out of his seat and makes a beeline for Booth. Before anyone can react the Director has slammed Booth up against the wall. "BOOTH YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THAT!"

Booth looks at the Director perplexed. "What? It was only an intern pretending to be Hodgins."

In shock the Director releases Booth. "What? Then where in the Hell is the real Hodgins?"

Offstage Bones helpfully speaks up "I think he's in the break room making out with Angela and Roxy."

Rolling his eyes the Director tosses his megaphone over his shoulder as he walks offset. "Why do I even bother? If anyone needs me I'll be in my trailer."

_With a confused look on her face Seshin turns to her cohort. "Why did you hire a bunch of interns anyway?"_

"_I'm just following the teachings of_ _Chris MacLean. Interns are easy to get, don't have to be paid much, and are highly expendable. Besides regardless of whatever happens I get paid. BONUS!" Turning to the camera InuGhost2.0 grins broadly as he gives thumbs up in celebration._

**Scene from above take 2**

Booth is standing in the alleyway behind a Chinese restaurant. He has good reason to believe this was the crime scene and is waiting while Hodgins sorts through all the garbage inside a nearby dumpster in the hope of locating evidence.

Hodgins stands up in the dumpster and grabs hold of the side as he turns to look at the FBI agent. "Do you have any idea how filthy this thing is?"

Booth who had been using a flashlight to examine the ground for bloodstains turns his attention to the Jeffersonian bug and slime guy. "I have a pretty good guess, which is why I'm letting you dig through it."

Hodgins gives Booth a look before he dives back into the dumpster. After a few more minutes of searching a cry comes up. "Eureka I think I've found it!" Standing up Hodgins once again grasps the side of the dumpster as he turns to look at Booth while holding up a Chinese takeout box. "Here we go; this has the same trace material as was found on the bottom of Santa's suit."

"Great job Hodgins." Walking over Booth takes the Chinese takeout box and places it gently into an evidence bag before zipping it shut.

Still clinging to the side of the dumpster Hodgins shoot Booth a pleading look. "Booth I'm having trouble getting out of this, can you give me a hand?"

"Ok Hodgins." Putting on a pair of rubber gloves Booth reached out and grasped hold of Hodgins' hand before pulling.

Grasping hold of Booth's hand Hodgins also pulled. In some strange twist of fate Hodgins managed to pull himself out of the dumpster while pulling Booth into it.

With a short cry Booth tumbled headfirst into the dumpster. "Oh yuck it smells awful in here!"

"Thanks Booth." Shooting a grin at the FBI agent Hodgins started walking off.

Meanwhile inside the dumpster Booth managed to pull himself upright by grasping hold of the sides. Covered in the filth Booth had a nasty glare on his face as he looked at the retreating back of the scientist. "Hey Hodgins wait! I can't get out of here!"

"Cut! Someone get Booth out of there and we'll resume after he can wash that awful stench off. And not you Bones!" The Director called out over his shoulder at the rushing Forensic Anthropologist.

Bones had been making a beeline for Booth in the hopes of getting dirty enough so she would also have an excuse to get cleaned up…hopefully with Booth. But the Director calling her on it stopped her dead in her tracks and she accurately summed up the situation. "Shit."

**Scene of Bones and Booth Kissing**

Bones is pacing nervously in her office while chewing a stick of gum. She is eagerly awaiting Booth's arrival so she can fulfill Caroline's request and has already gone to the trouble of hanging the mistletoe. "Come on Booth where in the world are you?" In an effort to control her nerves Bones spits out the piece of gum she was chewing and sticks another piece in her mouth.

Her office door swings open admitting her former grad student who is hardly paying attention to his surrounds so focused is he on the data he is holding. "Dr. Brennan I've got the results you asked for." Looking up he notices her standing underneath the mistletoe. In a surprising move Zach rushes over to the doctor and sweeps her off her feet. With one arm encircling her waist and the other looped behind her neck he leans down and kisses her.

Bones' eyes go wide in shock at Zach's actions and for a few seconds she struggles slightly. Then her eyes drift slowly shut as she loops her arms around Zach's neck as starts kissing him hungrily back.

As the two continue kissing Zach's hand slowly moves away from Bones' waist and settles on her ass before squeezing it gently.

If possible Bones moans even louder as her hands go and start running through Zach's hair.

Offstage the Director has been watching the scene in disbelief lifting his megaphone he hollers into it. "Cut!"

Both Bones and Zach do not hear him or do not care as their hands begin to dip underneath each other's clothes and go exploring.

With a face red from anger the Director leaps out of his seat and screams into his megaphone. "CCCCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!" Smoke billows for a moment from his ears before his entire head explodes.

The sound of the Director's head exploding and the fire sprinklers turning on as a result of the smoke causes Bones to break her lip lock with Zach. "Did you hear something?"

"No."

Bones and Zach go quickly back to their lip lock and enjoying their kiss.

_InuGhost2.0 and Seshin are offstage talking quietly together. "And that is why I hired Little Washu to build numerous replicas of the Director while he's on vacation."_

_Having just seen the results Seshin can only nod in approval. "I'll give you credit for actually thinking ahead for once. Though don't you think people will be upset about the whole Zach/Bones thing?"_

"_Well hopefully they'll understand it was done solely for humor purposes and me feeling sorry for the guy. After all Zach is rarely paired up with a woman in any story and he deserves the chance every now and then."_

**Scene from above take 2**

Bones is pacing nervously in her office while chewing a stick of gum. She is eagerly awaiting Booth's arrival so she can fulfill Caroline's request and has already gone to the trouble of hanging the mistletoe. "Come on Booth where in the world are you?" In an effort to control her nerves Bones spits out the piece of gum she was chewing and sticks another piece in her mouth.

Her office door swings open and rebounds off the wall with a loud BANG. A black and white blur rushes through the open door and ensnares Bones in its grip as it sweeps her off her feet. Smoke surrounds the two of them for a few seconds and when it clears Bones can be seen in the grasp of a skunk that looks strikingly similar to Pepe Le Pew.

As Pepe holds Bones he continues to shower her with kisses, run his fingers lightly through her hair and speaks cheesy French lines to her.

During this Bones struggles against Pepe's grasp, but it is not until she gets a whiff of his pungent odor and turns green that she is able to escape his grasp. Screaming "Le Pew!" she runs from the room in horror.

As Bones runs off Pepe Le Pew watches her run off before reaching up and unzipping his head. "That'll teach Bones to volunteer me for deals without consulting it with me first." Once Booth is completely free from the costume he starts folding it up and placing it back into its plastic bag.

**Scene from above take 3**

Bones is pacing nervously in her office while chewing a stick of gum. She is eagerly awaiting Booth's arrival so she can fulfill Caroline's request and has already gone to the trouble of hanging the mistletoe. "Come on Booth where in the world are you?" In an effort to control her nerves Bones spits out the piece of gum she was chewing and sticks another piece in her mouth.

As her office door swings open Booth walks into the room with his eyes focused on his partner and a cocky grin on his face. "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to do this Bones?"

By now Bones is also grinning as she walks up to Booth. "Likely just as long as I've been wanting it also." In the blink of an eye Bones has swept Booth off his feet and is proceeding to kiss him senseless.

As the other cast members and the Director watch on in disbelief loud cheering can be heard from the audience which get progressively louder as Booth's and Bones' clothes go flying.

As things on the set continue to heat up the Director has his eyes closed and his head tilted towards the ground. A few veins are visibly throbbing on his forehead as he attempts to calm down by counting to ten. After reaching ten he lifts his megaphone up and draws in extra breath in preparation of the screaming he was about to do. He was not planning to have a knife held to his throat however as the person wielding it stepped in closer and leaned in close to whisper to him.

"I don't know about you, but some of us have been waiting a long time for those two to finally get together. And while Hodgins may not approve of it I will not hesitate to kill you if you try and interrupt them."

Cam was standing on the other side of the Director and had a gun level at his head and smirked when she saw him nod in understanding before turning to her fellow cohort. "Amen to that sister."

"_That last scene was dedicated to all the B&B fans out there. So come on Fox get those two together already!" While saying this Seshin is waving a flag around that has a picture of Booth and Bones kissing on it. _

**Scene of Revealing the Guilty Santa**

Through the gathered evidence Bones and Booth have managed to significantly narrow down the possible suspects. To determine the guilty Santa they are checking the brass bells each carries for any trace of blood. Everything is going smoothly aside from InuGhost2.0 yelling "Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee!" and "The Bells! The Bells!" every so often before laughing insanely.

After the Director makes sure InuGhost2.0 is fitted in a tight straightjacket and heavily sedated, Bones and Booth continue their investigation.

"Booth check this out!" Bones holds up her Q-Tip which has turned a bright pink while she uses her other hand to gesture towards a large crack splitting the brass bell.

"You're under arrest for the murder of Kris Kringle." As Booth pulls out his handcuffs the guilty Santa attempts to make a run for it. However he does not make it far before he is set upon by the other Santas who bear him to the ground and start kicking his ass.

Offstage the Director has ordered the cameramen to continue filming while he has pulled out his cell phone. "Listen Joe I think I've got something you can use for your show here. I call it "When Good Santas go Bad."

**Scene of Booth getting Parker for Christmas**

Booth is sitting in his office relaxing before the door swings wide open admitting a running Parker. With a cry of "Daddy!" He throws himself at Booth and wraps his arms tightly around his father's waist.

"Parker what are you doing here?" Booth cannot help but look down at his son in shock.

As Parker continues to cling to his father a police officer walks into the room and glares at Booth. "So you're the one responsible."

"I'm responsible for what officer?"

The officer heads to the other side of the room and extracts Parker from his father before he answers Booth's question. "The man wanting to kidnap this innocent child and hurt his mother and her new boyfriend." Before Booth can defend himself the officer has thrown Booth down hard onto his desk as he handcuffs him. Pulling the FBI agent to his feet the officer starts to read Booth his rights while escorting him from the office.

"What this can't be happening, Parker is my son. Come on Parker tell this man the truth!" Booth's cries of being innocent grow fainter the further away he gets until they can no longer be heard and the muffled cry of a police siren is heard speeding off into the distance.

"Did I do well?" Parker runs offstage with a look of pride and questioning on his face as he heads over to one of the other cast members.

Hodgins smiles down at the young boy before bending down and handing him several lollipops. "You did great. Thanks for helping me teach Booth that it's not funny to get people arrested for no reason."

The Director having seen everything that just occurred is uncertain of what to do at first before thinking over past events and coming to a decision. "Normally I wouldn't, but I'll let this one slide Hodgins, by the way nicely done."

**Scene of Booth lighting up the tree**

Booth is standing outside the jail with Parker and is talking to Bones on the cell phone. He and Parker have come all this way to deliver a special gift for Booth's partner, and the woman he loves. "Here's your gift Bones." Without further ado he plugs in the Christmas tree.

The tree lights up nicely and casts a brilliant glow all around. The lights shining cheerfully to those who are gathered at the trailer's windows. There is however the faint sound of electrical popping and a faint odor of something electrical burning. The tree glows really bright for a moment before a loud "POP!" is heard and then it goes completely dark.

"Oh come on."

As Bones looks on Booth attempts to do something to the tree and an even louder bang is heard over the phone seeming to issue from Booth's jeep. Looking out Bones can just make out the telltale smoke issuing from the engine of Booth's jeep. She however is forced to hold the phone away from her ear as the muffled sound of Booth cursing is heard issuing from it. In an attempt to be supportive to her partner Bones says absolutely the wrong thing. "I take it that wasn't supposed to happen."

_Extras_

**Scene of Booth at the Mall**

It is three days to Christmas and Booth is standing with his son in a long line waiting their chance to see Santa. Booth smiles down at his son who is straining against his father's hand eager to catch all the glimpses of Santa he can despite being next in line. Booth feels a sense of fatherly pride at how happy Parker is and yet how well behaved his son is also.

Finally it is Parker's turn and he rushes forward plopping himself down on Santa's lap. With the high-pitch voice and quickness only children possess Parker starts rattling off his gift list to Santa. Every now and then he'll pause for a moment to take a breath before continuing. There are a couple of items he mentions that he wants as gifts for his parents, friends, and daddy's partner Dr. Brennan. Finally he is all done and hops off Santa's lap. Turning Parker looks to his daddy. "Daddy why don't you tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

Booth chuckles lightly as he shakes his head. "No Parker, I don't need to."

"But Daaaad come on." The hurt puppy dog expression on Parker's face along with his son's most tearful whine succeeds in breaking down his father's resistance.

As his son is led away by Santa's elves with candy canes, Booth sits down gingerly on Santa's lap while mumbling a quiet apology.

With a twinkle in his eye and joy in his voice Santa turns to the large teenager sitting in his lap. "So is there anything you want for Christmas Sonny?"

"There isn't really anything I want for Christmas, and Thanks for putting up with this. I don't get to see my son to often and I try to do everything I can to ensure he enjoys himself."

Santa laughs along with Booth in understanding before refocusing his attention on him. "I understand completely. So are you certain there isn't anything you want for Christmas Booth?"

"I'm certain thanks thou…" Realization dawns on Booth as he turns and gives Santa a suspicious look. "How did you know my name? Do I know you?"

Santa laughs jollily for several seconds as he grins at the suspicious FBI agent. "That's all a matter of opinion Booth. About every culture has their own mythology regarding Santa and of his knowledge of those children who have been bad or good. So going by that logic Santa would have to know everyone to a greater or lesser extent. Even though it is physically impossible for Santa to be able to circle the globe in one night."

"Bones…why in the world are you working as Santa down at the mall?"

"Well my dad and Angela thought it would be good for me to get out of the lab and actually interact with people. The mall had an opening and it seemed a good idea at the time. But back to my original question are you certain there isn't anything you want for Christmas?"

"There is only one thing I want for Christmas." Leaning down he manages to find Bones' lips underneath the thick white beard and kisses her gently.

Back in the line a child is watching the scene unfolding before them with confusion before turning to their parent. "Mommy why is that man kissing Santa?"

Breaking her oh so enjoyable kiss with Booth, Bones looks at the crowd of onlookers. "Maybe it'd be best if we continue this out in the break room."

Booth nods in agreement before grasping Bones by the hand and leading her off towards the break room. The happy couple passes a couple of Santa's elves on their way out.

Standing there Cam can only roll her eyes at Booth and Bones' behavior as she turns to the other elf. "Those two act like teenagers so much of the time. Zacharoni you might as well put up the 'Back in ten minutes sign'." Turning Cam heads towards the nearest Exit for a much needed smoke break.

"Alright Dr. Saroyan."

"_Is it strange that I can actually envision Booth sitting on Bones' lap while she's dressed as Santa?" _

_Seshin looks at InuGhost2.0 for a few moments before grinning and laying a hand on his shoulder. "Considering that it's you…probably not."_

**10 Ways to Upset a Forensic Anthropologist**

10. Put Caffeine pills in her coffee, or Red Bull if you're really sadistic.

9. Post the video you have of her singing in the shower on YouTube.

8. Put itching powder in all of her undergarments.

7. Drop hints that Booth _loves_ blonds.

6. Go on and on about how she and Booth make such a lovely couple.

5. When speaking to her make only pop culture references, and be sure not to explain any of them.

4. Play the chorus of "Doctor, Doctor" whenever she is with Booth.

3. Post the pictures you have of her sleeping with her Booth plushy on the internet.

2. Be sure to hide and mix up all the bones she is working on. Just don't be in the vicinity when she discovers them missing.

1. Replace her gun with a starter pistol, or a water gun if you can run really fast. (Once again make sure not to be around when she finds out.)

_A/N: Well that's all for now people. Be sure to let me know what you thought of this chapter, and please let me know what episodes you want to see outtakes from. Anyway until next time remember 'reviews make authors happy, and happy authors are productive authors.'_


	4. The Pain in the Heart

**The Pain in the Heart**

**By: InuGhost2.0**

**Disclaimer: "I do not own Bones or anything that appears in this. Though King Julien says that can change if I offer a sacrifice to the volcano. So who wants to volunteer?" He claps his hands together as he looks out over the audience smiling. **

A/N: This is why I should never write under the influence of exhaustion. Seriously I'm sorry about the quality of this chapter. I've had maybe sixteen hours of sleep in the last five days and my energy reserves are basically nil. If any part of this starts to not make sense or becomes rambling then my apologies in advance. Feel free to let me know what parts and I'll try and correct them after I've gotten a few days of rest.

**Scene of Booth's Funeral**

The Squint Squad and Bones are at Booth's funeral mourning the death of the FBI Agent. Despite being close to the pastor who is delivering the Eulogy the gang cannot hear it due to the loud ruckus occurring behind them. Behind all the grieving mourners a number of grieving women are fighting amongst themselves since each wants to be buried with the strapping young agent because life is not worth living without him.

His curiosity getting the best of him Hodgins turns around to look at the fighting women. "Man Booth has a lot of ex-girlfriends grieving his untimely demise."

"I'm actually jealous of Booth. Every one of them is at least a 7."

Bones and Cam are standing next to the quietly talking couple. Bones needing answers turns to her associate. "Was Booth really that good of a lay Cam?"

"To put it simply he was the best I've ever had. Now could you take these handcuffs off me?" Cam yanks futilely at the cuffs securing her to Bones.

"You know I can't do that Cam. You've already tried to kill yourself twice out of grief for Booth's death. I'm not going to allow you to do it again just so you can be buried with Booth."

**Scene from above take 2**

Bones is near tears as she views Booth's coffin. It is taking everything she has to maintain tight control over her emotions. Now more than ever she needed to be strong for the rest of the team. It is what Booth would have wanted she is sure of it. Finally it is her turn and she hesitantly steps towards the coffin, her left hand idly stroking the red rose it holds. As she lays it on the coffin a small sob escaped her and then the water works began. Bones wasn't sure how long she stood there but the next thing she knew Angela and Cam were on either side of her and were keeping her upright as they headed for the car.

They are only twenty feet from the funeral when they heard the sounds of a commotion. They watched in disbelief as a member of the Honor Guard football tackled a man standing by the coffin. As the two tussled on the ground the guard's hat flew off his head revealing a crop of dark brown hair.

In an instant Bones was off and running while screaming "Booth! Booth!" As Bones drew near she saw Booth rear back his fist and slam it into the man's face. Even from this distance Bones could tell the man was out cold and had suffered a broken nose. There was no other way for him to have that much blood on him unless he had been stabbed.

Booth stood up and dusted himself off. Only then did he turn around to see Bones. His eyes widened in shock as Bones jumped up and out towards him. Booth reacted on pure instinct and wrapped the Forensic Anthropologist securely in his arms.

"I'd thought I'd lost you forever. I never realized before how important you are in my life, and how empty it seemed without you. Please don't ever leave me Booth." Her words were slightly muffled by her face pressed into Booth's chest. When Bones started to calm down she was slightly embarrassed by the death grip she had on Booth's jacket and the unending stream of tears running like a raging river down her face.

"Bones I'll never leave your side. We'll be together forever." Reaching a hand down Booth tilted Bones' face up so he could kiss her on the lips.

A loud "awe." could be heard issuing forth from the female actors. A few of them dabbed at their wet eyes so moved were they by the touching and heartwarming scene.

Offstage Cam and Angela had the Director bound and gagged. Ensuring he wouldn't interrupt the tender moment that Booth/Bones fans had long awaited.

"_Ok Seshin I wrote the scene are you satisfied now?" InuGhost2.0 glanced nervously over at his companion making sure to keep one eye on her and one eye on the German Shepherd that lay at his feet gnawing a bone to pieces._

"_Yeah that'll work. Come on Xena lets go." As Seshin turned and started walking away the German Shepherd got up also and obediently followed her owner._

**Scene of the fight at the Funeral**

The Squints and Bones are at Booth's funeral mourning his passing. During the funeral one of the Honor Guard attacks a man at the funeral and starts grappling with him. No one is more shocked than Bones however when the Honor Guard's hat falls off revealing it to be Booth.

"I don't believe it." Bones is unsure at first what to make of Booth being alive. However when the coffin is knocked over revealing a mannequin to be inside Bones comes to a quick decision. Going over to the coffin she rips a leg off the mannequin and swings it violently at the grappling FBI Agent and suspect.

Booth being completely focused on the suspect does not see the descending leg until it cracks him hard over the head. Instinctively Booth lets go of the suspect in an effort to protect himself.

Taking the opportunity the suspect takes off running and escapes from FBI custody.

Bones continues to wail on Booth and uses each hit to emphasize how she felt about his duplicity. "How – dare – you – pretend - to be - DEAD!" Bones slumps down on the ground breathing heavily as the cracked to crap mannequin limb falls to the ground from her limp fingers.

Angela in a moment of bravery goes over to the blood drenched and prone body of Booth and pokes it gingerly with her foot. Getting no reaction from the agent she gets down on her knees and presses her fingers against his blood covered neck. "Uh Sweetie…I think you killed him."

Cut! Lovely another day and another death. Its no wonder are medical bills are so high." The Director sighs heavily his face etched with worry and concentration. "Someone find Dr. Orpheus so we can resurrect Booth. And someone find Bones some Midol."

At the Director's last comment Bones' head swings violently around so fast you would think she had broken it. She shoots a venomous look at the Director as she feels around for something heavy to use as a weapon. "WHAT WAS THAT?"

**Scene of after Booth's Funeral**

It is a bright sunshiny day outside. Birds are chirping in the trees, there isn't a cloud in the sky, and Booth is ready to kill. The FBI agent is standing outside the Jeffersonian and is quite perturbed that not one of the Squints or Bones showed up at his funeral. Determined to find out why he goes inside the building.

Inside the Jeffersonian music was blaring loudly over the intercom system. The lights were turned down low, and many of the Squints were huddled in the corners making out. A sense of frivolity and celebration was in the air. A group of Squints were gathered together and were drunkenly singing 'Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead'. Overall the raucous one voice could be heard clearly.

"Here's to Pam. Though she may be dead she a least rid us of that pain in the ass Booth." The sober voice of Bones rang like a funeral dirge in Booth's ears. To hear her describe him like that filled him with pain and regret.

Running up the steps to the observation post Booth was greeted to the sight of the Squint squad drinking champagne as they drunkenly toasted his demise. Walking up behind the slightly sloshed Forensic Anthropologist he grabbed the champagne bottle out of her hand. "Great you all think I'm dead and instead of mourning me you instead chose to celebrate. In addition Bones you forgot mean, cruel, and vicious." Tears start slowly falling from his eyes.

"Cut! People the script go with it or else we are going to have a lot of angry fans out for our blood."

**Scene of Bones walking in on Booth in the Bathtub**

Booth is relaxing in his bathtub reading a 'Green Lantern' comic, smoking a cigar, and drinking cold beer. He is enjoying his well deserve victory in the style he likes best and nothing can ruin his perfect day.

There is a loud bang on his bathroom door as it opens fast and violently. The door impacts against the bathroom wall with a loud crunch leaving a couple of sizeable holes that will require a lot of plaster to fix. Bones is standing inside the open doorway a look of fury and loathing evident on her face.

"Bones what the hell!?!

"Booth how could you not tell me you were alive!"

"Bones I was working undercover. I drove the guy underground and he said the only time we'd ever see him again was at my funeral. If anyone knew I was alive then we wouldn't have caught him. Besides you were supposed to be informed."

"That is not a good enough excuse Booth. You should have called me up yourself and informed me. In a way you lied to me and for that you must be punished!" Reaching up Bones' grasped the collar of the brown jacket she was wearing and ripped it off.

Booth's eyes go wide in shock and fright at the sight of her. Every instinct in the FBI agent was telling him to flee, but unfortunately the only exit was through the woman causing Booth's desire to flee. In desperation he pressed himself flat against the wall trying to put as much distance between the two of them as he was able.

Underneath the jacket Bones was wearing a black leather corset, black high heel boots, a black mini skirt, and was carrying a black ridding crop. The entire outfit stirred mixed feelings of desire and fear in Booth, but it was the way Bones was flexing the ridding crop which most scared him. "Now get out of the tub and receive your just punishment."

"CUT! Bones lose the outfit. You dressing like a dominatrix isn't to believable, besides I'm not sure what the audience would think of it.

"Oh can't I keep it? My old outfit is _so_ last Tuesday."

_Seshin is giving InuGhost2.0 a strange look following the incident on stage. "Dominatrix Bones just what were you thinking man?"_

"_It was just a random thought. Besides how else is Bones supposed to keep Booth in line?"_

**Scene from above take 2**

There is a loud bang on his bathroom door as it opens fast and violently. The door impacts against the bathroom wall with a loud crunch leaving a couple of sizeable holes that will require a lot of plaster to fix. Bones is standing inside the open doorway a look of fury and loathing evident on her face. "Booth we need to talk!"

The bathtub is completely deserted. Steam silently rises up from the hot water that is as smooth as glass.

"Has anyone seen Booth? He's not in the bathtub like he's supposed to be." Bones walks the short distance over to the tub.

Booth jumps up from the water in a smashing impression of Jaws. He seizes Bones by the neck and quickly drags her struggling underwater.

Offstage the Director and other cast members are shocked by what has just happened. There is mild surprise when the water starts bubbling like a frantic Jacuzzi.

"Let's not imagine what might be occurring in there." The Director muttered.

Zach has a handkerchief clutched to his bloody nose. "Too late."

**Scene of the Explosion**

During Hodgins' and Zach's experiments an explosion rips through the Jeffersonian labs. As the fire alarm blares and the sprinkler system turns on the entire building is soon completely drenched. Standing water is all over the building and numerous papers have been destroyed by the water damage. Through this all the Squints and Booth rush to the room in which the experiment was conducted.

The room is a disaster. A large crater dominates the center of the room where the explosion happened. Though some miracle has allowed Hodgins and Zach to escape unharmed.

"Zachipoo what happened here!" Cam is beside herself in fear and worry as she goes straight for Zach and throws her arms around his neck. "I was so worried that something awful happened to you, and that I'd lose you." Cam starts crying softly as she buries her head in Zach's shoulder.

"Well we were trying to duplicate this one explosion, unfortunately we didn't get the mixtures right. We were hoping for something big enough to disintegrate a cement truck." The casual tone with which Hodgins answered the question left some doubt in everyone's minds about his sanity.

"Hodgins…Why would you want to blow up a cement truck IN THE FUCKING JEFFERSONIAN! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED! WE ALL COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!" By now Bones' hands were tightly wrapped around the doctor's throat.

"It was a special request. InuGhost2.0 offered us starring roles in one of his stories. We couldn't resist. Besides he said duplicating it was safe." Zach's arms were wrapped protectively around Cam by this point and he was gently stroking her hair in an effort to calm her.

"You have got to be kidding me. You two should know better than to fulfill any requests from that nutcase." The Director pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers in a vain hope of preventing the oncoming headache. "Ok setup for a re-shoot, and this time no cement truck explosions."

"_What can I say it's my favorite 'MythBusters' explosion. So hurry up and get more new episodes out." InuGhost2.0 is standing beside Seshin and both are waving giant flags with pictures of Adam and Jamie on them. _

**Scene from above take 2**

As Zach and Hodgins argued about who would add the jawbone to the mixture the liquid inside the chamber has reached the boiling point. Unnoticed by the two steam starts to slowly rise up from the pot before quickly dissipating in the still air.

"Hodgins I'm 'King of the Lab' so I get to add the jawbone." Zach never liked using the title to bully Hodgins around, but Zach knew that he must in order to carry out the Master's plan and to protect Hodgins.

Without a word Hodgins tossed the bone to Zach. The anger in his eyes went unnoticed by Zach, but Hodgins swore to get payback sometime someway.

Zach had placed the jawbone into the compartment and after donning the necessary safety gear he began to lower the jawbone into the liquid components.

"Wait Zach don't…" Hodgins had noticed the boiling liquid too late.

As he tried to shout out a warning to his coworker a loud explosion, that shook the very foundation of the Jeffersonian, occurred. The explosion, aided by the blaring fire alarms and the torrential downpour from the sprinkler system, caused confusion and panic among the Jeffersonian staff. Many of the interns and researchers fled for the exit pushing and shoving against each other like animals, their current assignments and projects forgotten. Still others made a vain effort in preserving whatever papers and artifacts they could before it was destroyed by the water. Amongst all this confusion there were a few who maintained level heads.

At the sound of the explosion Bones had sprung to her feet. As the alarm began to blare loudly she covered her ears to try and muffled the painfully loud noise. "What the hell was that?" Bones yelled loudly in order to be heard.

"That sounded like an explosion from the lab!" Booth had his hands pressed tightly over his own ears. Already Booth could feel the beginnings of the headache he always got whenever he had to deal with both Sweets and Bones.

"You two should go and check it out. I'll call 911!" Unlike the other two Sweets did not need to cover his ears. He was still used to loud noises from his college days.

Exiting the office Bones was thankful her office was off the main hallways. Without needing to maneuver past panicking people she and Booth made good time. Upon reaching the lab they were surprised by the lack of damage.

Overall the room was untouched and except for some broken glassware and the water, the jawbone was in, foaming violently. Hodgins and Zach were busy arguing about what had occurred and seemed oblivious to the alarm's screeching. Bones walked over to the alarm box and inserted her key into it and shut it off for this room at least.

"Would either of you like to explain that explosion?" Bones attempted to keep her voice neutral and failed. She wasn't surprised that Zach and Hodgins were responsible for the explosion. Ever since they started working cases with Booth those two had been behind about half the damages the Jeffersonian suffered.

"Hodgins and I were arguing about who would put the jawbone in. The explosion occurred just as we were inserting the jawbone, so logically we couldn't have caused it."

"What did they say Bones?" Booth's voice was overly loud considering he had been attempting to whisper to the forensic doctor.

"Booth are you alright? Did the explosion damage your hearing?"

"What was that? Oh wait." Reaching his hands up Booth reached into ears and extracted a pair of ear plugs. "I forgot I had these in. Did they say the explosion didn't occur here?"

"Yes, they said the explosion didn't occur here. Booth why were you wearing those?" Bones looked quizzically at her partner.

"Listening to Sweets gives me a headache. These lessen its severity though. Though if it didn't occur here, then where did it occur?"

At that moment the doors to the lab hissed open as Cam walked into the room accompanied by the sounds of yelling. She looked ready to kill and kept clenching and unclenching her hands. "I can answer that for you Booth. Turns out some _people_ were using the meeting room to play videogames. Unfortunately for them they left the volume up to loud."

"Don't tell me." Bones groaned out as went over and put a lid on the pitcher in the hope of preventing more of the frothing water from spilling onto the floor.

"Yeah it was those two. The Director is having some choice words with them right now. I think he's going to ban them from the set for awhile. It's the least they deserve."

An electric crackling noise filled the room as the intercom turned on. "We're breaking for an extra long lunch while the janitorial staff cleans up this mess. Be back in two hours unless you hear from me." Another electronic crackle was heard as the Director hung up.

**Scene of Checking on Zach**

Everyone is at the hospital checking on Zach who was injured during the explosion at the Jeffersonian. He is lying in the bed in pain with his hands tightly bandaged to prevent infection.

"Zacharoni if there is anything we can do for you. Then please let us know."

Taking a few minutes to think about it Zach has an idea. "Actually there is something you can do Cam. If you, Dr. Brennan, and Angela could put on a little strip show for me…"

There is the sound of coughing coming from Hodgins who was choking on the water he had been drinking. Never in his wildest dreams would he have believed Zach to ever be this forward. "Zach did you actually just ask that!?"

"The three of them doing a striptease would greatly elevate my mood."

The women gathered together in a small huddle to quietly discuss Zach's request and if they should honor it.

"Zach if you actually pull this off then you will be my new hero." Booth gently laid his hand on Zach's shoulder in a display of manly affection.

At that moment the women's huddle broke and the three of them turned to Zach. Bones had been chosen to speak for the group and was flanked on either side by Angela and Cam. "Ok we've decided to honor your request Zach."

As Zach quietly celebrated Booth and Hodgins chose to be more vocal. Their cries of joy and fist pumping were met with the women rolling their eyes at the childish display.

"However it is only for Zach so you two need to leave." Grabbing Booth and Hodgins Bones and Cam ushered them to the door and locked it tight.

Hodgins pounded loudly on the sealed glass door. "Oh come on!"

**Scene of Bones convincing Booth to let her know next time he isn't dead**

"Its standard procedure Bones. If I told you I was alive then it could have gotten out and then the whole op would have been blown."

"I don't care Booth. If you don't tell me next time that you're alive I **will** make you regret it." Bones made sure to place special emphasis while making her threat to Booth. She wanted to make sure he knew how much trouble he was in with her.

Booth was too full of himself to care about Bones idle threats. He made sure to give her his cockiest grin. "How are you going to ensure that Bones?"

Bones grinned cockily in response. "Simple. I know you're a man of your word and if you promise me that you'll notify me next time you are not dead, then you will."

"How do you plan on making me promise?"

"Simple. Until you promise you'll receive no more nookie from me."

A shocked and horrified expression overcame Booth's face. What Bones is threatening is so horrible he never dared to even contemplate it. "That's not fair Bones. You can't sink that low."

"Well too bad for you." In glee over her victory Bones stuck her tongue out at Booth to humiliate him further.

"Cut. Nice try Bones but we can't do that. The viewers aren't supposed to know you two are sleeping together yet. At best they know you two kissed once."

**Scene of Discovering Gormogons' Apprentice**

Bones, Booth and the Squint Squad are examining the skulls they found down in Limbo. All of them have had their canines removed likely to aid the cannibal Gormogon.

"The skulls all have had their canine teeth removed. Obviously someone took them all undoubtedly for Gormogon." Bones was bent down low over the table examining all the skulls.

Leaning against one of the computer desks Sweets offered his psychiatric opinion. "Well considering the Silver Skeleton was also stolen means that it had to be someone from the Jeffersonian."

"Once we find out who is responsible we can interrogate them to find out where Gormogon is." Booth had a cocky grin on his face as he looked forward to finally nailing the cannibalistic bastard.

The sound of pounding footsteps was heard along with some muffled yelling. In a short while Zach raced up the steps waving several sheets of paper. "I've got the results Dr. Brennan. I managed to run the fingerprints through the database and just got the results." Looking down at the results a look of surprise lit up Zach's face. "Oh my."

"What is it Zach?" A look of concern was evident on Angela's face when she saw how pale the doctor's face got.

Zach nervously backs slowly away from the group. "The results show there was more than one culprit."

"Zach how can that be? Gormogon's always had only one apprentice." Confusion was seen on Bones' face.

"Zach tell me who the guilty parties are and I'll take care of it and protect you." Booth's hands were in his belt as he attempted to step protectively closer to the scared doctor.

Zach quickly backed up several more steps ensuring he had more than enough distance between himself and the others. "According to the results Sweets and I are the only ones who did not steal any of the teeth."

At that simple statement Bones, Booth, Hodgins, Angela, and Cam all look at each other in shocked surprise. Seconds later they all took off running to equip themselves with weapons.

Within a minute the set has dissolved once again into chaos as the Squints plus Booth and Bones attempt to eliminate each other so they can be Gormogon's sole Apprentice.

**Scene of Zach Explaining what happened to the last Apprentice**

Bones is in Zach's hospital room. She has proof positive that Zach is Gormogon's latest apprentice which he has corroborated. After finding out the location of Gormogon's lair her curiosity needed to be satisfied. "Zach about two months ago Gormogon had a different apprentice. What happened to him?"

"The Master got rid of him so I could become his apprentice."

_Flashback_

Zach, Gormogon, and Gormogon's Apprentice are all in Gormogon's lair. The Master is reviewing their latest assignment and giving helpful feedback before rendering his verdict. Though for some reason he is dressed in a manner eerily similar to Donald Trump.

"You both did rather well with this last assignment. Though I fell that Zach did a much better job."

"WHAT!" Gormogon's Apprentice is beside himself with rage. In fury he throws his motorcycle helmet to the ground and draws a knife. "How can you choose that moron over me? I killed the senator remember!"

"Oh come on if Zach hadn't told us where the senator was then you wouldn't have been able to kill him. So I have decided that your services are no longer needed. You're fired!" Gormogon presses a button on his chair.

Before the former apprentice can do anything a trapdoor opens underneath his feet. With a cry of rage he falls through it and plummets into the dark abyss below.

"_Sorry I just couldn't resist. Thankfully this should be the only reference to that show." InuGhost2.0 grins evilly. "Anyway back to our regularly scheduled fun."_

**Scene of Dealing with Gormogon**

Booth and Bones are raiding the residence of Gormogon. Through the information given to them by Zach they know the path to take to reach him the quickest. Finally they reach the final door between them and their objective. Acting swiftly Booth kicks the door down and points his gun at the seated figure. He is backed up by Bones who also has her weapon drawn and leveled at the cannibal.

Calmly and with ease Gormogon turns around in his seat and gives them an evil grin making sure to show all of his pointed teeth. With uncanny swiftness he hurls the knife he is clutching at the FBI Agent and the Forensic Anthropologist.

Without thinking Booth maneuvers Bones behind him and ensures that he takes the blade so she is kept safe. The knife sinks deeply into Booth's chest missing all his vitals. The agent will be alright but for the moment he drifts into unconsciousness from the pain.

"No Booth!" Lowering her weapon Bones goes and checks on her unconscious partner. She finds him to still be alive but he is in bad shape and is losing a lot of blood. Tears fall from her eyes at the pain she feels in her heart from the suffering Booth has endured for her. With new resolves she stands once more and turns to face the grinning villain. "You are a monster."

Gormogon only grins toothily in response as he draws another knife. His eyes rove momentarily over the anthropologist trying to decide what part of her would be best to cook.

At the look Gormogon gives her Bones can only smirk herself. "You being a monster is all the better for me." Reaching behind her back she grasps hold of a small metallic device and holds it up in front of her body with both hands. "It's morphin time!" The background suddenly changes to red while Bones' face takes up the middle of the screen. "Tyrannosaurus!" In a flash of light Bones morphs into the red power ranger.

Gormogon having just witnessed Bones startling transformation is not deterred in the slightest. Hissing loudly in rage he rushes directly at her holding his knife aloft.

In less than a minute Bones has kicked Gormogon's ass and leaves him an unconscious bloody mess on the floor.

"Cut! Ok whose idea was this?" The Director hollered with barely suppressed rage.

Bones quickly points her finger offstage towards Seshin.

Seshin attempts to put on an innocent face but fails miserably as everyone stares at her questioningly. "I couldn't resist. Besides it was at least worth some laughs."

**Top 10 Ways to Upset a FBI Psychologist**

10. Get him to try and predict the future like his mother can.

9. Send the tape of him singing to Simon Cowell.

8. Apply industrial adhesive to the seat of his chair.

7. Ask him embarrassing questions while using Booth and Bones as lie detectors.

6. Whenever he goes out to a bar or club be sure to mention aloud how good his fake ID is. Extra points if a bouncer is within earshot.

5. In the middle of one of his long lectures blurt out "Could you repeat that from the beginning. I wasn't paying attention."

4. Ask him if he even has to shave regularly for his job.

3. Set him up on a blind date with Angela.

2. Be sure to inform Angela's father of the role Sweets' played in her breakup with Hodgins. Hinting at how he should also be punished.

1. Card him.

_A/N: Well that's it for this chapter. Please let me know what you thought of this because constructive criticism is always welcome. Oh and feel free to let me know what other episodes your wanting to see outtakes for. Now if you'll excuse me I'll be getting back to my homework so I don't have to stay up all night finishing it. _


	5. Technical Difficulties

**Technical Difficulties**

By: InuGhost2.0

**Disclaimer**: If you haven't figured out by now that I don't own anything that appears in this then please stay online. Some nice men in white will be stopping by shortly to deliver you safely to the nearest mental health facility.

Dr. Temperance Brennan is shoved out in front of the camera holding a piece of paper. "Booth this isn't fair. Why do I have to be the one to do this?"

Booth is standing offstage attempting to stay out of sight while holding a blood drenched towel to a wound on his forearm. "Bones we took a vote and by unanimous decision you were chosen to deliver the news. Besides you're the one who suggest we interrupt his studying."

Brennan shoots a nasty glare at her partner and secret lover before turning her attention to the ceiling. "We are not lovers, we're friends only. Why does everyone keep insisting that we're in a relationship?"

"Sweetie breaking the fourth wall is not going to make this any easier. Now hurry up so we can get cleaned up." Angela was also offstage. However unlike the special agent she is uninjured and carrying the torn remnants of her lab coat.

"Fine. Unfortunately due to technical difficulties the author cannot bring you a new chapter of the outtakes. He kindly asks for your patience since he's dealing with post Finals stress, has been studying for a test tomorrow, and his brain has gone on strike until its demands have been met." Tossing the paper over her shoulder Dr. Brennan grabs hold of the camera and pulls it in close to her face. "Look you guys have got to get us out of here. We're going stir crazy being cooped up in this place. We need something be it dynamite, playing cards, Hell we'd even settle for a comic book!" Angela and Booth grab a hold of Temperance Brennan and start pulling her away from the camera.

"Ok Bones that's enough. We don't want them thinking we're crazy or anything."

"Seeley I'd hate to break it to you, but we are well beyond that point."

As they walk away the camera pans back showing the destruction that has been wrought upon the studio. Several of the ceiling lights are dangling broken from the ceiling and several small fires burn in various locations around the room. Adding to the décor is the word REDRUM written in Tai food on several of the walls. As a final touch someone had taken the time to cover the floor in paper from several sources including: past scripts, future scripts, hand written classroom notes, and several books written by British authors or set in Britain.

**Top 10 Ways to annoy a Bug, and Slime Guy **

10. Call him Hodgkins.

9. Jokingly tell him that Angela's father is waiting out back for him with a shotgun. (Extra points if you know what a shotgun wedding is)

8. Ask him if he keeps the beard in the hope some fangirls will mistake him for Hugh Jackman.

7. Shave his beard.

6. Argue with him about why his conspiracy theories are completely irrational.

5. No matter where he goes when he gets there declare him 'King of the…'

4. Handcuff him to Booth for a day.

3. Stomp some bugs when he's around and when he asks what your doing say "I'm sorry was that your aunt? Guess that's your uncle then." Before squashing another bug. (Extra points if you know what movie this is from.)

2. Talk about how big of a security threat Zach turned out to be and how it's a good thing no one else at the Jeffersonian is that dangerous.

1. Place his photo and information in the newspaper as 'D.C.'s most eligible bachelor' be sure to include him being the sole heir to the Cantilever Group.

_A/N: Yeah it's been mayhem and trouble around here for the last…well since April started. I merely ask for your patience, and hope you will bear with me here. Hopefully everything will be back on track next week. With 'Yanks in the UK'._


	6. Yanks in the UK

Yanks in the UK

By: InuGhost2.0

Disclaimer: **I don't own anything that appears in this aside from what knowledge I possess and the creativity required to come up with this kind of insanity.**

A/N: My apologies with the delay in this being posted. I was dealing with Finals, and you know how troublesome those can be. As requested here is 'Yanks in the U.K.' and readers feel free to let me know what episodes you want to see outtakes for. Hope you enjoy this. Also please bear with me because it's been several months since I saw this episode so it is going to be difficult to write.

**Scene Booth giving his speech at Scotland Yard**

It is a pleasant fall night. The full moon shines brightly in the night sky providing ample illumination to those wandering around outside. The incessant noise of traffic has finally died down, and Dr. Temperance Brennan is bored out of her mind.

After Booth's lecture at Scotland Yard the British police had insisted the two of them stick around to celebrate. After two hours of loud music and alcohol all Dr. Brennan wanted to do was rest and relax, so she would be at her best for her own lecture tomorrow.

While wandering the grounds of Scotland Yard she had noticed several crows pecking away at the ground. All had their wings clipped, but having finally found something to occupy herself, they were no problem for her to remedy. After Soon enough she was down to the last crow and was just making the finishing touches when she heard a cry behind her. As she turned to look she released the final crow which took flight into the night sky.

"What in bloody blue blazes have you done!" The policemen managed to get out while holding a stitch in his side. "Those crows were never supposed to leave."

"I was just fixing them. I thought some delinquents had clipped their wings for amusement."

"Well thanks to your generous act we're going to see if that blasted legend is true!"

"What legend?"

"It's said that if the crows ever leave Scotland Yard then the monarchy will fall. This is so not good."

"While I'll admit that most legends are based on some fact I find it entirely illogical that a monarchy that has ruled for centuries is suddenly going to fall simply because some birds flew away, and besides what's the worst that can happen?"

_Elsewhere_

"Hello you're watching CNN at the top of the news hour. The British monarchy has officially surrendered to the combined forces of Scotland & Ireland."

"_You do know that few people are going to get that joke." Seshin commented turning to her fellow trouble maker._

"_Yeah I know. Besides the way I see it, it already happened when Parliament executed King Charles 1 for high treason._

**Scene of Bones' Lecture**

As Bones is delivering her lecture to the room full of eager students Booth is reclining back in his chair fast asleep. After a late night of partying the last thing he wanted was to attend Bones' lecture which he had already know before hand that he wouldn't understand most of it.

"I have also been working in conjunction with the FBI solving murder cases. In fact my partner is here with us special agent Seeley Booth." Looking out over the sea of people Bones failed to see her partner at all.

Everyone is frantically looking around trying to spot the FBI agent. Their quest was made much easier when a loud snore erupted from the resting agent. In seconds the room had gone deathly quiet as everyone turned to look at the sleeping man.

"Booth. Booth! BOOTH!" Embarrassment and anger flooded through the forensic anthropologist at the disrespect being shown to her by her partner. "Uhm…if you would all excuse me for a moment." Bending down Bones reached underneath her robes for the weapon she carried with her at all times. Having found it she stood upright and pointed it at the sleeping agent.

Within a second everyone seated between her and Booth was up and out of their seat not wanting to be injured by the possibly irate forensic anthropologist.

With a couple of precise shots Bones managed to remove the legs of the chair sending the now wide awake special agent sprawling on the floor. "Bones what the Hell!"

"BOOTH YOU MO^*%# LWCSOKA! HOW DARE YOU SLEEP THROUGH MY LECTURE!"

As more shots ring out a sign displaying 'We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please wait.' Appears on the screen doing little to hide the cries of pain and fear issuing from the studio.

**Scene of Booth going the wrong way around the traffic circle**

It is late at night and Booth and Dr. Brennan are heading back to their hotel for the night. Booth is trying to drive the small vehicle, but is having little success due to how cramped he is. Slowly but surely his temper is beginning to wear thin.

Booth is drumming his fingers against the steering wheel in irritation. He and Dr. Brennan are waiting for the light to change so they can enter the traffic circle while they have been waiting for less than a minute; to the tired Booth it feels like forever. "That's it. I can turn right on red right." Without waiting from a response from his companion Booth hits the gas and they take off into the traffic circle.

"Booth turning right on red here is the equivalent of making a left turn from the far right lane!" Temperance Brennan has a death grip on her seat as she braces herself for the impact she knows is going to happen.

The blaring of horns and the yelled curses at Booth from the other drivers does nothing to stop him and he manages to make it around the traffic circle and onto the side street without an accident.

"See Bones that wasn't too bad. I just saved us time." Booth turned to grin at his favorite forensic anthropologist. Choosing to ignore her white knuckled grip, and tightly closed eyes.

Dr. Brennan opens one of her eyes experimentally and quickly looks around before opening her other eye. "You got lucky Booth. You could have easily gotten us killed."

"Bones trust me I'm a professional I know what I'm…"

"Booth look out!"

Looking back at the road Booth was startled to see a dark hair scrawny teenager standing in the middle of the road staring at them in shock. Both the FBI special agent and the forensic anthropologist could only look on helplessly as their car impacted with the boy.

With a cry mixed with fear and pain the teenager went sailing up and over the car impacting the pavement with a bone crushing CRACK!

Finally the car came to a stop. Showing great presence of mind Booth manages to put the car into park and take his hands off the steering wheel before he begins shaking violently. "Oh man I just killed that kid."

"Booth it'll be ok. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone."

"No you don't understand Bones I'm supposed to know better. Oh God what am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

"Booth you need to calm down your panicking."

"It's game over man. They're going to lock me up and throw away the key. I'm too young for jail." By this point Booth is hyperventilating and is in full fledge panic mode.

"Booth everything will be fine. With your record they'll probably give you a lighter sentence."

Booth turned and looked at the forensic anthropologist as if she'd grown a second head. "Bones people don't just overlook these things. Hell with me being a FBI agent they'll probably send me to the chair."

"Now you're being completely ridiculous Booth. England does not, nor has it ever used the electric chair. They usually prefer hanging a person, or in some extreme cases cooking them alive in boiling oil."

The good doctor's words did not help calm Booth down for some strange reason and he began to idly fidget with his gun, as if trying to decide if he wanted to risk God's wrath and take the easy way out. His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp tapping at his window. Looking out through it he saw a policeman standing there patiently.

"So you're the one who struck that kid down I take it?" The officer was leaning casually on the window sill after Booth rolled down his window.

"Yes officer…I….hit him. But you have to understand it was an accident! I didn't mean to!" Once he admitted to the crime all his hesitancy was forgotten and Booth began to babble out an apology as quickly as he could.

Holding up a hand the officer managed to get Booth to quiet down. "This country owes you its thanks. You just managed to injure one of its worst terrorists."

"Wait that kid was a terrorist?" Dr. Brennan attempted to make herself heard over Booth cry of relief at hearing that the kid was still alive. Looking out through the back window she spotted an ambulance a ways behind them that was loading the teen onto a gurney.

"So uh…in gratitude you'll uh…" the officer appeared to be thinking desperately and was fidgeting with a long stick in his hand. His eyes glassed over for a second before a broad grin lit up his face. "The Queen will of course want to thank you personally and will probably even knight you."

His troubles seemingly over Booth calmed down quickly and soon drove off towards the hotel.

"_I can't believe you just spent two pages setting yourself up for the next scene." Turning to her friend Seshin looked at the author suspiciously. "You do know you're possibly going to piss a lot of people off by doing this."_

"_I simply go where my humor takes me. Besides it could have been worse."_

**Scene of after Booth and Bones have driven off**

After the car was out of sight the officer turned and walk towards the waiting ambulance. "Ok they're gone."

A bright green flash lit up the area for a moment before quickly fading away.

"My lord are you sure it was a good idea letting those two go?" One of the paramedics looked questioningly at a dark hooded figure.

"Calm yourself Luciusfor what they did I can spare they're lives. Who would have thought that muggles were actually useful for something?"

"My lord what ever do you mean?"

"All the magic in the world and his mother's protection and in the end a simple machine made out of metal takes him down. I have decided inform Snape that tomorrow we are going to the DMV."

"My lord why would you want to go to that filthy muggle place?"

"Simple. If the great _chosen one_ can be felled by muggle transport. Just think what I could do with one. That old fool Dumbledore will never stand a chance." Laughing evilly the man turned on the spot and vanished.

"_Now honestly did any of you actually think I wouldn't make at least one Harry Potter reference in this chapter? Before you start sending me hate mail understand that this is meant solely for humor and nothing else. _

**Scene of Hodgins vs. Grayson Barasa**

Outside the Royal diner Hodgins has challenged Angela's husband Grayson to a fight for Angela's heart. Odds are heavily in Grayson's favor due to his size, strength, and Angela off to the side holding a sign that says 'Grayson 3:16 Kicks ass!'

Hodgins has Sweets on his side who is attempting to give him a pep talk. "Ok he's definitely bigger than you, stronger, faster, and has Angela rooting for him. But you can still take him down."

"How am I supposed to win? He has every advantage and I have none. I'm the underdog in this fight."

"Wait that's it. Rocky…"

"Sweets my name is Hodgins."

"…you gotta get in there and be tough. Eye of the Tiger and all that."

"You've never seen even _one_ of the Rocky movies have you? Do I at least get a training montage?"

"We can't afford it. This season's budget has already been fully planned out. And the entire surplus went to filming those love scenes between Booth and Dr. Brennan. So until people start buying the DVDs we're broke."

"Oh this is just great." Hodgins gets up off the stool he is sitting on and rushes at Grayson. Within a minute it is over as Hodgins is felled by a right hook to the jaw. His unconscious body is picked up and thrown into the back of a garbage truck before a fully loaded garbage can is dumped on him.

Director: Cut. Print. Ok that's a wrap for this part people. Let's get started on Part 2 of 'Yanks in the UK'.

**Scene of Booth getting Head butted**

"Well the victim had a good size lump on his head that might have killed him. So how can we tell you didn't head butt him to death like this?" Booth slams his head forward and manages to nail the guy in the forehead.

With a groan of pain Booth goes collapsing to the floor like a puppet whose strings have been cut. The man he head butted is still standing and absentmindedly rubs at the spot Booth hit.

"I hate it when Booth does stunts like that." Grabbing Booth's legs Bones starts dragging him offstage.

**Scene of Digging around the Dig site**

Bones, Booth, some officers, and the archeology students are milling around the dig site. Bones has brought them here because she suspects there will be forensic evidence proving why the Doctor was murdered.

"Did you manage to find anything useful at all at the site which could have prevented the hotel being built?" Turning to the student Bones looked at them quizzically.

"We really didn't find much." Walking over to a large pile of objects covered with a tarp he removes said tarp with a dramatic flourish. Dozens of items lay piled together in a small heap ranging from different ages and civilizations.

The other student walks over to the pile and starts sifting through it. "Let's see we have: The Sword of the Guardian, the Armor of Arkantos, A few hundred of the missing Florida ballots from the 2000 election, a signed copy of the Necronomicon signed by Cthulhu, lets see enough pieces to build a few Metal Gears…" The student trails off as she looks in shock at what Booth is doing.

Booth has pulled a large cardboard box out of the pocket of his pants and has placed it over top of him as he sits on the ground. "Colonel I've found Metal Gear. How should I proceed?"

"Booth why are you calling me Colonel?" Bones voice responds back from the cell phone Booth has clutched to his ear.

"Moving on…we've also got something labeled 'The Holy Grail' and a belt buckle with 'Angel was here. lol!' carved in the back."

"And none of this was good enough to warrant a full dig here?" Bones was shocked as she sifted through the items seeing how valuable several of the items were.

"He didn't want to cause a scene. Besides we've already had to fend off a few treasure hunters just to keep this stuff safe. One of whom was very insistent that the items belonged in a museum."

"So that means we have nothing. Ok then…come on Bones we've got other places to check." Without waiting for an answer Booth turned around and headed for his car.

**Scene of Booth and Bones departing**

Booth and Brennan's flight back to the United States is set to depart in half an hour. While they have enjoyed their trip to the U.K. both are still happy to finally be heading home. They hear a commotion coming from the terminal and they spot Agent Pritchard running towards them.

"Thank goodness I made it in time. I was beginning to worry that you'd both be gone by the time I got here." Reaching up she removes a small canvas bag from her right shoulder and sets it down on the ground.

"There hasn't been another murder has there?" Dr. Brennan questioned with some trepidation.

"What? Oh no there hasn't been another murder. I merely needed to inform the two of you about some things before you depart."

"What kind of things. Because legally I am allowed to have my gun onboard the plane and I'm not going to pay some fine."

"It is nothing like that." (Reaching down into her bag Agent Pritchard rummaged around for a few seconds before pulling a rolled up paper out of her bag. "This is for you Dr. Brennan."

Taking the paper from Pritchard Dr. Brennan carefully unrolled it and read through it. "It's an order of summons from the Queen. She wants to…knight me for my services." Lowering the paper Dr. Brennan gave Agent Pritchard a hard look trying to determine if this was an elaborate hoax.

"Truthfully she wants to knight you, the other members of your team along with Dr. Addy and Agent Sweets. She feels if it wasn't for your actions then the crown would be thoroughly embarrassed."

"Hey congrats Bones it's a real honor to be knighted." Placing an arm over her shoulder Booth was all smiles as he looked at Agent Pritchard with a twinkle in his eye and an expectant look on his face. "I figure since Bones here is getting knighted then that means you have something for me as well?"

"Actually Agent Booth I have something very special for you." Reaching inside her coat she extracted a flat piece of paper that she handed over to Booth.

With the speed of a child opening Christmas presents Booth snatched the paper from Pritchard and started reading through it. However after a few lines his smile faded and confusion etched itself into his face. "Agent Pritchard what is this? I thought I was going to be knighted as well."

"Special Agent Booth you _were_ to be knighted. However the Queen was not too happy with the way you dealt with her relatives. As for the parchment you are holding it is a warrant for your arrest. Now unless you want to make a scene I'd suggest you slip these on." A pair of handcuffs dangled from Pritchard's finger already open and waiting for Booth to close them around his wrist.

"That's not fair! I'm the one who wants to be knighted, so how come the Squint Squad gets to be. Sweets didn't even do anything and Zach's locked up in a mental hospital. That's got to be grounds for dismissal." Booth continued to complain about the unfairness of it as he was led away by several policemen.

**10 signs of the apocalypse using 'BONES' (or 10 Things were never going to see happen)**

10. Bones makes several correct pop culture references and fully understands them.

9. Booth gives Brennan an FBI issued gun.

8. Hodgins rejects any and all conspiracy theories.

7. Sweets' saves Booth's life.

6. Bones rejects her logic and knowledge in favor of faith.

5. Sweets gives up on his sessions with Booth and Brennan.

4. Cam allows Hodgins to perform any experiments he wants…without supervision.

3. Bones gets into a tough situation gives up and awaits Booth to come rescue her.

2. During an argument Bones says "I give up Booth. You win."

1. Bones/Booth chooses to marry someone other than Booth/Bones.

_Well that is all for now. I know it's not as good as usual and you have my apologies for that. I also have a new poll up so please vote in it. Anyway next up is 'Cinderella in the Cardboard' please review and let me know what you thought of this along with any ideas, suggestions, or requests. Thanks._


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